Let Me Explain

cinta monyet

Aku harap kamu tau

pensil yang kuraut hingga tajam sebelum kau pinjam
hanya untuk kamu

roti bekal makan siang yang kusiapkan sendiri tadi pagi
hanya untuk kamu

cat kuku cantik yang tadi malam kukuas sampai sempurna
hanya untuk kamu

kedipan-kedipan kecil mataku ketika kamu menoleh ke belakang
hanya untuk kamu

hati yang barusan mulai berdebar kencang
hanya untuk kamu

kupu-kupu yang sibuk beterbangan dalam perutku
hanya untuk kamu

seemua itu dan lainnya untuk sampai kita tua, jelekk dan keriput
hanya untuk kamu

aku harap kamu tau

Chances

Talking in an old-fashioned manner
with you, with myself.
And hearts vapor
into suffocation.
Misfortune awaits.
With any luck, it'll pass.
But we both know,
we suck at gambling.

Here's to losing.

Ini.

pada hari-hari tertentu seperti waktu langit sedang cerah
saat awan-awan berwarna putih
atau ketika bunga-bunga kuning bermunculan
merayakan musim semi di sebuah padang rumput

pada hari-hari tertentu seperti waktu langit sedang cerah
dan dari kejauhan suara tawa anak-anak
kecil terbawa angin dari sebuah taman bermain,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan yang tercium adalah
wangi tanah yang tersiram air,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan yang kau lihat ketika
membuka jendela adalah sebuah pelangi,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan kau menengadah
menutup payungmu menikmati 1-2 sisa titik air,
waktu langit kembali cerah dan awan-awan
kembali berwarna putih dan bunga-bunga kuning yang tumbuh di padang rumput
belum kering benar,
dan pada hari-hari lainnya yang tidak seperti itu

waktu kamu, dan payungmu,
berjalan menikmati sore hari di depanku
aku selalu jalan sedikit lebih cepat
sebisa mungkin menyamai langkahmu

aku janji, suatu hari nanti, kamu akan berhenti menungguku sejenak
tapi sampai saat itu, aku akan selalu jalan sedikit lebih cepat

vlindert*

aku masih punya
burung bangau dari kertas, satu

kutemukan setelah lama,
kusimpan memang sudah lama,
di dompet tadi malam

kuambil dari sebuah meja di restoran,
aku duduk di sampingmu
di depanmu angsa juga dari kertas

dan yang aku ingat dari malam itu,
selain bangau dan angsa dari kertas,
betapa mudahnya duduk di sampingmu

melipat-lipat masa depan
seperti kertas melipat binatang
seperti bergandengan


*title is dutch.

mind love

what i really want is
to make you a cup of tea
that you will have one afternoon
with me, and a couple of cinnamon pastries
(because underneath your gallant pose
i know you love them sweets)
outside on the porch when we're 73
we'll see
the rest of our lives waiting to be
lived, the way it's been lived.
together.
..and in my little head
anything may be.

-

what is left of our love?
dying out of sorrow
all the while oblivious
about the last word it will speak
and it will speak of itself
before it crashes bleak
as we dance to one final ballad
and descend into you and i

monsternya menang

tepuk- tepuk bergembira
berlari-lari kita dari monster yang mendekati
awas, dia di belakangmu, katamu dan
aku tertawa terbahak-bahak mengindarinya

monster kelelahan, aku,
kamu, dan dia terduduk terengah-engah
capai, katamu dan
aku bilang aku juga

hai lihat layangan terbang
milik siapa benangnya
putus hingga melayang sampai jauh sampai
tiba dia di depanmu

akankah kau ambil, aku bertanya kau hanya
diam memandanginya
kuulang sekali lagi hingga
monster di belakang kita bergerak merebutnya

ah, kau diamkan terlalu lama, ujarku
sedikit kecewa tapi sambil tertawa sementara
kau diam tak berkata lalu menoleh
lekat ke arahku dan bertanya, mengapa

tak kuambil layangan itu

faithlessness

one meticulous affair
and what's done is done
a little bit of sorrow
far into my soul, it's gone


and here's to you,
a bitter shadow of doubt,
a hard question to answer in truth,
such cold, lonely sun

death

such brilliant eyes are there no more, they have
become dead. buried, depressed. left with
no air to live from.

saint of lost causes come save them.

comfortable

on some days where there are clouds
i look forward to nights with bright stars
a big moon, perfect and round
and flashing lights of passing planes

i expect my share of peace and quiet
that i've consciously created
and troubles and friends
are meticulous weaves i set aside

and so i am well and fine
and i'm comfortably looking for nothing

i am well and fine.

...

aku ingat kamu
bermain kartu membaca masa lalu
mencari ingatan tentang masa depan
membaca pikiran hanya dengan memandang
(aku ingat kamu)

how i love you ver 2.0

how i love you is odd.
like an African long for the rain but
fear a two day pour… and secretly he adores
the sweet scent of wet soil after.
like the Kuiper Belt – on the outside, but
with Pluto it grazes the galaxy… it needs a closer look
to comprehend.
how i love you is strange – as alien as what we call
faith: believing something
that is hard to, let alone can be seen,
but nothing proves otherwise so we stand proud.
also is strange, hearing Satie’s Gymnopedie in our heads, while
chasing monsters with butterfly nets in slow motion –
an esoteric thing, enjoyed by
those who anxiously wait to travel
in the speed of light, they have stars to reach
like you; something to fawn upon.
nothing lasts, it comes and goes. but
in a way everything does last, like
how i love you;
nothing lasts
because they rise and cease to
rise and cease again.
like the leaps and loops and drops
of a roller coaster that
takes you by surprise.
unpredictable, but expected
terrifying, but completely compelling.

essentially,
that is
how i love you.

jalan

hirupbuang. hirupbuang. tahan.
jalan pelan-pelan
nikmati detak jantungmu yang semakin berdebar
kau dengar? itu suara sepi memanggil
barangkali dari depan
atau dari balik punggungmu yang semakin mengecil

wajahmu mulai panas kini
matamu mulai gelap
meninggi mabuk kehilangan rasa
sesak berjalan tanpa udara
berjalan maju tak kembali
tanpa tengok tanpa maksud
untuk pernah berhenti

(semoga kau temukan
di ujung jalan yang sempit ini
ada tarikan nafas yang sempat berhenti)

broken mermaid 2.0

My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean
Stumbling on with exhaustion of being drenched
Silently lurking in despair, it waits
Filled with restlessness for suicidal air

It dreams about waltzing out of tempo into a lethargic dance
With pale fingers clutching on dead roses red
Insidious steps done, two feet alone
A make believe game, with no one to resonate

It smells and feels like the air of a coming storm
Perilous in vulnerability
Prepared to trample itself with violent frustration
Until nothing is heard, nothing is seen

But my soul has been seen cursed and confined to the depths of the heavy seas
What disruption it desires will not come true
My soul is lost, as I am lost
My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean

fear

I remember
the rush on my horrified feet
pedaling away from fear

I remember
the menacing footsteps against the tar
the sound of terror

I remember
the sinister stare over my shoulder
the eyes of the hunter

I remember
my five-year-old self escaping
my neighbor's dog

ziel

My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean
dreams about waltzing out of tempo into a lethargic dance
smells and feels like the air of a coming storm
has been seen cursed and confined to the depths of the heavy seas





format taken from 'Poetry Everywhere' by Jack Collom and Sheryl Noethe.

scirocco

hampir-hampir lalu hari ini
hendak beranjak namun kemudian ada yang hinggap
adalah rupamu pada kenangan
sehalus angin semilir mengecup ramah dedaunan

entah
aku ingin berlama-lama di sini
sekedar menikmatimu yang tak benar-benar ada

lagu untuk siapa

den/ting/

yang kutakutkan bukan hatiku yang pecah
tapi milikmu yang berhamburan

a number of small things

with you at home,
a wreath hanging on the front door
chocolate soup cooking on the range,
home, underneath blankets

such a quiet, quiet city
all we hear
is somebody's soft trumpet
faint tunes of the night

ballerina

spin dance spin.
spin until the melody's no longer.

stop.
wind again.

spin dance spin.
spin until you mellow out.
close the box and i am folded
into nothing.

spin dance spin.
spin dance.
spin.

stop.

wind again and leave me
dance you out of my heart.

echo

sepi!
(sepi
sepi
sepi
sepi)

wwyd?

flutterby, flutterby
can't you hear my heart sigh
when we go see fireflies dancing?
some subtlety you're not getting
(what if i told you i'm in love?)

War

almost morning, love.
cometh, vicious enemy called time
two hands and a face,
deciding enough

Magic Boy

[this is for the boy
with his magical deploy]

i sing songs
all day long
you do tricks
just for kicks

out from your hat
a little blue cat
one pair of socks
and a grandfather's clock

out from your head
"you grow flowers!" i said
a little bit of incentive
for something else you're going to give

abracadabra and alakazam!
there you wand with a big kind of bang
from behind a mystifying smoke
you appear with a rainbow-colored cloak

what's the occasion to be treated sky high?
a question to which you proudly reply,
"to hand you my heart, of course,
something mine that has always been yours."

hancur pelan-pelan

sebab apa yang seharusnya kau ketahui? apakah keinginanku
menari bersama di bawah hujan? untuk bertelanjang kaki
bermain lumpur bersamamu? dan berlari-larian mengejar
kupu-kupu di padang rumput yang hanya muncul di malam hari?

tapi sebab dan inginku hanya berupa sunyi. jika tak
kau sadari sekarang maka selamanya kusimpan
mungkin lain kali, mungkin.

(tapi diam-diam aku beruraian, diam-diam
aku pecah berpelantingan)

inspirasi

membacamu suatu perjuangan,
sepertibukutebaltanpatitiktanpakoma
lari lari dan lari terdengar suaraku
sendirian membaca ceritamu

saat ini kau tengah beristirahat
mesin ketik tak tik tak tik tak sibuk mengetik
menikmati segelas teh hangat yang sudah
dingin terbengkalai sejak tadi malam,
sambil mengasbak puntung ke-19 rokok milikmu itu

ah, sunyi kamar ini, kataku
kau hanya diam dan aku teraba-aba untuk pergi
baju yang berserakan satu-persatu kupunguti,
kupakai lagi menurut tampilan kemarin
petang.

kau hanya diam, menarik napas sejenak
sambil menengok ke arah pintu.
menunggu siapa dirimu? inspirasi takkan
datang lewat pintu

tapi kau tak menunggu kedatangan.
kau menyuruhku untuk pulang

membacamu penuh perjuangan, kataku
membuka pintu

...

dari depan mesin ketikmu yang sudah
mulai mengetik tak tik tak tik kembali,
kau pastikan,

kita jumpa lagi nanti malam?

Karmic Tune

here's to our karmic tune
and all its wrong melodies
instead of making you swoon
I become most everybody

but at least i can take it slow
I have this patience i can coach
and maybe, baby, in our next life,
you'll be a cockroach I'll despise

don't go away

i used to sit at the park with you
watched together the sky change hue
and we imagined clouds like tarts
counted airplanes, kites and stars

remember how we loved
all the things we pointed up
planes and birds and kites and stars
and all the clouds that looked like tarts

i, as you, still love the memories
but now airplanes are my enemies
because, "airplanes," to you i say
"they always take you away."

listening.

see?
as you play "secret heart"
you begin to ask
the same question
to yours.

Stifle.

i need a stopgap treatment
because all i do is dream
about you and i being us.

Gimme a thousand TVs.

for you.

how i love you is odd.
like an African long for the rain but
fear a two day pour… and secretly he adores
the sweet scent of wet soil after.
like the Kuiper Belt – on the outside, but
with Pluto it grazes the galaxy… it needs a closer look
to comprehend.
how i love you is strange – as alien as what we call
faith: believing something
that is hard to, let alone can be seen,
but nothing proves otherwise so we stand proud.
also is strange, hearing Satie’s Gymnopedie in our heads, while
chasing monsters with butterfly nets in slow motion –
an esoteric thing, enjoyed by
those who anxiously wait to travel
in the speed of light, they have stars to reach
like you; something to fawn upon.
nothing lasts, it comes and goes. but
in a way everything does last, like
how i love you;
a law of Anicca: Impermanence. a bridge
between Dukkha and Anatta. nothing lasts
because they rise and cease to
rise and cease again.
like an Ouroboros. an unstoppable circle.
nothing lasts. but nothing dies.

essentially,
that is
how i love you.

forever

you wish we can fly
and i tipped on my toes
but we see it's a lie
we don't know how to float

alas you and i
forget how to try
flap, flap, flap our wings
but pulled down by this abyss

sing a sad love lullaby
as we drop into this hole
our fingers intertwined
now we'll never let go

what ur looking for

my dear, it's simple.

as simple as life's
thousands of variables
reduced to just one equation
as clear as the
one truest truth
of all the things i offer
it's as beguiling,
as gut-wrenching
as conniving,
as bewitching

as love.

love stoned

ah, jadi kau sedang jatuh cinta
nyaman rasanya, bukan?

aku tahu, aku juga
sedang jatuh cinta

maka jika aku berbunga-bunga...
rangkaian itu untukmu,

tersenyumlah bersamaku

memento

when i die
remember i smiled
and laughed
with you, wreaths on our heads
keep in mind
in my subtle way
i loved
you and all your many ways

awan

awan pecah berbulir-bulir
dan kita berdansa di bawahnya
bersama hujan, bersama jutaan
jiwa yang terlantar kiranya
tapi kita tahu hujan,
dan yang memecah awan
tak ada 'terlantar' bagi kita:
kita di tengah hujan,
sedang jatuh cinta

Golconda

yours is a Golconda;
stunningly prepossessing
with the supposed shine of diamond mines
and it will heal.
but mine is evaporating
as we try here to say and speak
of nothingness and meaninglessness
of words we're both wanting to hear.

Telat.

maumu apa?
keriangan sudah lewat kini
kunjunganmu tak berarti

(un)secretive

i know you know
not a whit of anything i know,
only bits and bits and then pieces
stuck together in an enigma.
an unsolvable conundrum.
a secret that is mine, and i know it all alone
the chest is locked shut, tucked away into nowhere.
but like the chest i am
exuding tiny whispers in the air
alluding to pretended cluelessness.
you know as little as much.

hush hush

talk is cheap
so i won't say it to you
but the next time we take a picture
have a notice of what i'll sign for you

Go

i opened the door
and found a brick wall
a delusional galore
time halted, you stall

now i'll stop being naive
go on, get ready to start
it's time for you to leave
my head and my heart

Statis

soal cinta:
tidak ada yang berubah
masih diinginkan
masih dihindari

come together

we know what it's all about:
broken hearts all over the world
come, unite
let's be broken together
be beaten down together
let's all hold hands
take off your masks
frown that forced smile
altogether now,
cry.

Sumpah Sampah

hari ini kelabu
begitu warna langit menfatwa hati
fluktuasi rasa berhenti dan singgah
di tempat rendah yang paling bawah

tapi sedih itu indah
dan lebih indah jika aku sedih karenamu
berbohong mengatakan, "tidak apa-apa"
tersenyum mengobati luka dengan menusuk-nusuknya

kita berangkulan kemudian dalam hati
bersumpah tidak akan saling mengenang
sumpah kosong sumpah bohong
sumpah,

sampah

sekarang

sungguh jika bisa,
kedatanganku padamu adalah segera
kelahiranku bukanlah dari kenangan
atau sekedar inginmu akan harapan

tak bisakah aku dia yang belum bernama
lalu muncul dari tengah waktu
yang sekarang kau anggap nyaman
yang sekarang kau sebut sekarang

Revelation

this kind of suffocation is unfair
you, mesmerizing me with that stare
all the while I have to look at the ground
I fear my eyes will tell you how my heart pounds

this game is an elaborate one
it's so highly structured that i'm giving up
I can no longer play it incognito
and that is a truth that we both already know

i dream to peacefully exit with the rain
to weep into the midnight without feeling any pain
but no, there you are with a pretended unawareness
belittling me to an unbearable shame

Clarity

flower-like colorful dots in the sky
made the heart flutter
gone go the heart-shaped ice
away with the coming of a clearer picture

Air dan Kematian

Akan kucintai (tanah) air ini
Ketika engkau benar-benar mati
Ketika aku benar-benar mati

Ketika aku benar-benar mati

Confusion

it's the "sure. fine. whatever." you don't hear correctly
or at least disingenuously construe
where's your fine sense of imagination?
i can't believe you still have no clue.

Memento Mori

Pak, bapak lihat awan?
mereka bergulungan di atas kita
(aku menatap langit yang tak biru, tertutup putih seluruhnya)
(lelah mereka menbentuk bentuk, cukup 1 permadani besar di atas sana)

Pak, aku yakin mereka berhati
merasa sama sepertimu dan aku
(merasa waktu mendetak dan mendetiki hidupnya)
(merasa hancur luntur bertangisan berkabung dirundung duka)

tapi Pak, langit yang begitu sedih tak pernah nampak sebelumnya
adakah ia menemaniku perlahan kehilanganmu?
(apakah ia menemanimu perlahan kehilanganku?)
(apakah ia menemanimu menangisi matiku hari ini?)

Pak, begitu indah hari ini
(langit begitu sedih kita tatap berlinangan)

Limbung

mendadak aku limbung melihatnya malam ini

tapi aku hanya bisa pulang.

A Case of Obsession

as they held on to each other in the end
i felt a definite kind of grief
in my heart, in my mind -
an overall cliche
of not ever seeing them again,
before realizing
that it's in fact
my heart, my self,
that needs mending
and a certain hug.

save me.

Wangimu Seperti Hujan

Wangimu seperti hujan
yang turun hari minggu pukul 10 pagi
hujan yang kusuka, yang meski turun deras namun tetap lembut bersuara.
Wangimu wangi yang biasa kuhirup di teras depan rumah.
Wangi yang biasa aku cinta.

Wangimu seperti hujan
yang turun ketika hari justru terlihat terang
hujan yang kusuka, yang meski turun tiba-tiba namun kunikmati setiap tetesnya.
Wangimu wangi yang datang membawakan kenyamanan untukku saat suara hujan berpadu bersama lagu-lagu di dalam mobil yang melaju.
Wangi yang selalu aku cinta.

Lost Cause

the emotion against me is unrelenting
and this tireful fight is still.
but i'm failing to breathe
as i'm filled with exhaustion.
cause when you're playing it by heart,
there's that chance of a love you can never impart.

motionless

the gray sky
melts. into
blue.

i cried while
hiding.
behind its dripping drops.

motionless
as the trickled ground.

down.
forgotten.

open letter

Tonight we shall wave adieu beneath the tall shadows of these trees. It will be a promise to vow our absences after this last meet. But you should know my heart, my dear, before we leave. It's deeply sadden by a reason of an ache that it's learned how to inveigle, to obfuscate itself that it believes in its lies. Lies that concerns you and your heart, and me, and mine. Lies that it had to construct so now it would not shatter so when we kiss our last kiss. It deceives by exchanging reality with the wrong truth - my wrong truth. Forgive my heart, because it wanted me to be your constant; all the while it was becoming tired of the pace you are leaving it with defeat. And while you have become my touchstone it realized it is not yours. Forgive my heart, my dear, it was hoping for the best. It knows well that you are my true heart, the center of my soul. But tonight we shall wave adieu beneath the tall shadows of these trees.

I will bow out and we shall say goodbye.

Misty Eyes Tonight.

She remembers that night too well. As the tides were coming close to her feet, she recalls the night years ago when she fell deeper into the starry sky above and the warmest see breeze she had ever felt. A head rest on her shoulders that night and they both counted the uncountable stars. They both enjoyed how the sand stuck between their toes felt; calming, soothing, perfect to ease the pain out of their hearts. She recalled to herself how much she loved the man who leaned on her shoulders. How, then, gently he got his head up and gave her his shoulder to lean on, and counted not the stars anymore, but things they'd rather be doing than this; and there were none. How they loved each other and that night.

Over the years she remembers that night by heart while he is now away and never coming back. Yet she's still not letting go of anything he'd ever was. Waiting in perpetuity, as the memories form a hope of another acquaintance, another time of a starry, starry night. But on this night, this particular night, all she remembers is the memory of them being afraid.

Tonight, she is standing on the beach of several years past and remembers how she soundlessly cried for realizing this world was never meant for him. Tonight, she chooses to wallow in grievance for her loss.

Tonight, is the night of all nights.

To Your Unborn Child and Your Leaving

intro: A man was nearly killed today @ Bantar Gebang while he was collecting trash for him to sell to feed his family. The garbage pile was too huge to handle and formed a small hill that almost befallen him. He was lucky. His 3 friends haven't been found. But they were luckier. A woman was found dead. Unlike the 3 men, that 5months-old child inside of her will never knew life at all.

have you read hemingway's 'baby shoes'?*
as it was, this is a short reference
of a sad grievance
i feel as if we have been acquainted

i bid you farewell
i offer you apologies
of people leaving behind trashy bits
from this consuming way of life

we have buried you over
with plastic truths and lies;
demoralization leftovers
we shoo away with red trucks

to your unborn child and your leaving;
up there you'll have clean air
so you're welcome to look down
and be grateful for your sooner departure

to your unborn child and your leaving;
this is my heart here,
it's
yours to take

ketika aku sedang ingin menangis merindukanmu

kau lihat awan yang bergulir-gulir di atas situ?
itulah yang kusuka dari langit
seperti aku menyukai jalanan kosong
melompong ketika malam sebentar lagi menjelang pagi
aku menyukai sepi yang tidak terlihat keramaiannya
aku menyukai ramai yang terlihat kesepian

insomnia

silence had me stiff
and i waited for
the sun to rise well
laying thoughts upon thoughts
resting hope upon hope

the clock points the hour
and the hour after that
and one more, but
pointless is this night
my eyes won't shut

tiresome, but
my eyes won't shut
and already comes
along with the dew;
a plan of staying awake for the moon

Alergi

Teman,
aku akan merindu
duduk diam bersamamu
menanti matahari meluntur senja
bersama awan yang merona merah

Broken Voodoo

it's now just a puppet
with no heart
or a pin stuck to it

i lost my voodoo
on you

Trippers By The Tides

don't you feel drunk?
i do. i see two of you
no matter though
i love looking at you

i love the spinning beach
how 'bout you?
then let's have another toast
get drunk and take off our shoes

let's run crazy funny on the sand
build up some castles and kick it again
don't bother rolling up your jeans
just let your feet touch the melting sea

let's converse about something, aimless
about kaleidoscopic eyes we're having right now
or just let tonight be tonight and
for a final let our kisses be goodbyes

so let us be trippers again
this one last night
until we are tired of being drunk
the next morning, when it's time to go back
to the world.

last kiss goodbye

oh hi,
i didn't see you there
then again i've never had you here
you went unseen somewhere

i caught a glimpse of you once
but i blocked the memory so it bounced
behind the enemy line i stood
sorry to say but i was fighting my dear old you

so when did you get here?
i thought you'd be nowhere near
so naturally i'm wrong again this time
you've crept your way all through my mind

it's not that i don't like you
i do, in fact, i really love you
but in a way i sincerely don't, clearly
because i always always end up teary

hush, not a word, i say
let this be my time to lay
to lean my head and close my eyes
to walk away and say goodbyes

so let this be a final closure
lets drift our ways apart, together
and yes, i will pine for you
but only because i wanted to

i will miss you the most
but you should be nothing but a ghost
here's my last kiss of adieu
keep it in your heart, forget you had it in you

getting close to the end

i think i'm gonna stay
i'll make you love me someday
i'll train to be numb
or at least to act less dumb

i'll lock away the reveries
i'll bury all the memories
sufficiently, i'll remember some things
although no more than just some flings

but that summer night on that terrace
while the others were nowhere near us
i'll keep the memory running inside
that is one thing i will not fight

i'll keep in mind the song that was playing
and the horrible voice who was singing
and all the friends i didn't know
and the buoys with lights that glowed

in the meantime while i don't see you
pretend you miss me, pretend like you do
because maybe if you get used to it
your heart and mine would eventually fit

the guy in front me was dorkily cool.

and he always always try
to walk unseen by the looking crowd
while they wonder who is this person
that walks so unintentionally intriguing.
but none of them dares
to ask why he walks that way,
or whether he would stop one day
just to let them see a while longer.
they give up to the idea
that he's forever in a hurry.

Disakiti Malam

Malam dingin selalu kejam
tidakkah kau setuju?
bukankah pundakmu gemetar karenanya?
tidakkah matamu mulai berair karenanya?

kemari.
menangislah di sampingku malam ini.

Dipermainkan Hujan

Tidakkah kau lihat
di seberang sana
awan mulai menerang
hujan rupanya perlahan menetas,
meludah sembarangan
ke aspal jalanan

Aku dan kamu
(kita berlarian mencari pepohonan)
berharap dahan berdaun mampu
berperan menjadi payung menahan hujan

aku dan kamu
(kita kebasahan di bawah pepohonan)
kita memilih dahan yang salah
tangis, tetesnya ke kepalaku

Aku dan kamu hari itu
(kita kuyup kehujanan)
menangis bersama diam-diam
mengambil kesempatan tertimpa hujan

Kutungu Hadirmu, Nanti, di Sini

sayang sekali, sayang
cinta tak berbentuk rupa
dengan hati saja jarak tidak terlupa
sedangkan rinduku terus menggila.

sudahkah kau lihat keluar?
apakah jendelamu terbuka?
bulanmu malam ini apa?
tanyakan padanya tentang rindu yang kutitipkan.

kutunggu hadirmu, nanti, di sini
berdiri di sampingku, di sisi jendela
menunjuk-nunjuk langit bersama-sama.
menggelembungi hati dengan cinta.

apakah jendelamu terbuka?
di langitku sudah terbit sang purnama.
bulanmu malam ini apa?
sudahkah kau tengok dirinya?

apakah pesan rinduku yang ia bisikkan?
apakah letup hatiku yang ia sampaikan?

Kamu Luar Biasa Hebatnya

berbicara denganmu rasanya selalu aneh.
entah senang, entah sedih.
terkadang terbang..
tapi tak jarang aku juga mati.
bertemu pandang denganmu rasanya sakit
karena kamu melihat tembus ke belakangku;
ke kerumunan muda di sebelah sana,
ke keramaian orang mengelilingi meja.
kamu luar biasa hebatnya
bermain peran menjadi tuhan.
entah kenapa aku memberimu cinta
sedang kamu terus memutus asa.

kamu tahu dia, si putus asa?
perlahan, aku sedang dirayapinya.

short ones also. no titles.

We'd lift Andy Warhol off his sentenced insanity
we would even try to praise his art of genital parts.
we'll love his grey messy hair covering his eyes
because yours is unloveble, and is no more than a crime.
________

make today my day
won't you write me a love song?
sing me away,
sing for me a lifetime long..
________

it would be long before the time you knew,
until you took a step and time to view
that im not dreaming of something new
my reverie has always been about you.
________

Solois Tambal Sulam

berlakulah manis hanya padaku
karena aku sedang menambal hati,
sendirian:
tambal sulam penuh kekosongan.

aku semakin jauh,
takkan terlihat olehmu.
takkan terlihat olehmu.
takkan terlihat olehmu.

to loneliness, to drowning

i didn't know how it would hurt;
the pouring dusts of untold pains
that you secretly sprinkled on me.
but it burned, burned, burned me to my soul.
like loneliness seeping through the dirt on your grave.

won't you care i'm hurting?
would you notice i'm gasping for air?
to the ground i fall, shattering apart
and you're pinning me down, down, down,
down to the mausoleum beneath the waves

i'm drowning away to a land underwaters
where everything is nothing and they're insidious
to the dry i say goodbye, i'm too lost to reach back home
and for a fact i cried, i cried, and i cried,
for being lonely once again, once more.

we are omnipresent, we are free

it is at night we are awake
and during slumbers our souls wander
dreams become what is real
we live without our eyes wide open

it is at night we gather around
holding hands, embracing our souls
during sleeps we dream of our lives
in golden slumbers we plan our tomorrows

some claimed to have faced and seen
winged beauty of angels and of seraphs
but while dreaming, we see each other,
and seeing each other is enough

loafers perhaps are we
but if so, we did it perfectly
we paint the walls with insobriety
we are omnipresent, we are free

we all dream our days at night
while the moon shine through the shrouding clouds
we sit by the lake, we ponder and state proud
'here we are! here we stand well and alive!'

we lay on our backs on the ground
look up to the sky and enjoy the setting sun
but this is a dream, it's cunning and mean.
sunsets are dawn, and with dawn reality begins.

at night we are a nation
of youth, pride, and compassion.
we laugh joyously with our hearts
through the dark silent night we meditate loud

but we learn laughters are frail
they fade as the sun shines its ray
soon it is 'so long', and 'goodbye',
to love, to memories, and to the good times.

i miss you

look over here
we're so far apart.
we hardly see each other,
i can't barely feel your heart.

come back, love.
where are you right now?
i need to hold you tonight.
i need to desperately cry.

Hatiku Pecah Ketika Pesawatmu Berangkat

ketika pesawatmu berangkat
seiring dengan terbitnya senja
langitpun memudar
dan malam muncul tanpa cinta

ketika awan nila menelan
habis bayangmu di pelupuk mentari
hatiku mati, jatuh tertelungkup
meringkuk sepi menantimu kembali

mungkin hatiku pecah
berkeping beling, berbelah darah.
tetapi sayangku, ketika 14 purnama berlalu
kau 'kan kembali dan aku 'kan masih ada di sini

moral awakening

if you're asking
about what's real
and what's illusive,
and nobody
could figure it out,
ask me.
i would love to answer.
what's illusive,
is a happy life.
since we made it up
inside our heads,
and believe it with our hearts.
but at the same time,
we see with our eyes
that what's real,
are the bloody headless bodies,
the dry ice blocks on top of corpses,
and mothers killing their babies.

Kamu Tau Kamu Tabu?

Apa saja bolehlah.
Aku juga tak begitu peduli.
Memang keacuhan yang aku harapkan.
Kamu tau kamu tabu?
Menyenangkan,
namun membunuhku pelan-pelan,
dramatis.
Nyawaku naik turun dibawamu.
Dengan kebaikan yang bersifat racun
walau kamu mungkin memang tulus.
Seiring detik berdetak dalam larinya,
aku menghitung
sisa-sisa nafas yang tertinggal.
Kamu mencuri nafasku
dengan senyummu.
Ketika menit bertumpuk
menjadi hitungan jam,
aku merasa jantungku kian melemah.
Kamu menusuk jantungku,
dengan matamu.
Pelan-pelan kamu merampas hidupku,
tapi aku menikmatinya.
Kamu tau kamu tabu?
Aku mencintaimu,
tapi kamu membunuhku perlahan dan diam-diam.

Kenangan

Hari itu, pukul 10 pagi. Aku datang duluan, menunggumu di sebuah kafe, mendudukkan diri di bangku paling depan. Paling dekat dengan pintu. Dengan begitu aku bisa melihatmu ketika kamu datang. Dan juga agar kita berdua bisa sama-sama cepat-cepat keluar dari kafe ini sekaligus percakapan kita nanti.

Di depanku gelas kertas putih setinggi 15 cm berisi latte siap kutenggak.

Tak kusentuh.

Kubeli hanya sekedar untuk memenuhi tuntutan kafe ini untuk bisa duduk di dalamnya.

Dingin.

Ataukah aku menggigil karena deg-degan? Takut, barangkali?

Ya, mungkin memang itu.

Gugup.

Ingin semuanya cepat berakhir, dan sekarang perasaan itu mengambil alih kakiku yang bergerak naik turun dengan irama supercepat…mungkin sedikit banyak syarafku sudah rusak.

15 menit. Tak biasanya kamu terlambat. Kamu selalu tepat waktu bahkan datang sebelum aku. Tak pernah membuatku menunggu.

Tapi mungkin ini caramu menyiksaku.

Mungkin kamu sudah tau isi percakapan kita nanti dan ini caramu menyiksaku.
Menunggumu dan bertahan gugup setengah mati lebih lama lagi.

Ketika kamu datang, sosokmu yang terlihat jelas menjadi bukti bahwa kursi yang kupilih benar. Dengan mudah mataku langsung menangkap jaket warna krem favoritmu itu.

Seakan sedang menikmati wahana di sebuah taman ria, jantungku berdegup cepat mengiringi tiap langkahmu mendekati pintu kafe.

Setelah memasuki kafe, kamu layangkan sejenak senyummu ke arahku kemudian berjalan ke counter tempat pengunjung memesan minuman.

Kamu membuatku menunggu lagi.

Jantungku berdegup lebih cepat. Memompa darahku lebih deras hingga aku merasa ledakan kecil di kepalaku.

3 menit kemudian pesananmu selesai diracik. Gelasnya sudah kamu pegang. Kamu berbalik perlahan dan berjalan ke arahku. Mulai detik itu waktu berjalan lambat.

Semuanya terlihat seperti film-film lama. Vivien Leigh dan Clark Gable bermesraan di belakangmu, melakonkan adegan dari Gone With The Wind, menari waltz bersama, dengan warna hitam putih, dalam slow motion.

Jantungku berdetak keras.
Kamu melangkah.

Detak, lalu langkah.
Detak, lalu langkah.
Detak, lalu langkah.

Kamu duduk.

Jantungku berhenti.

Dan kitapun, tanpa kata, berpandangan sedih.

Aku Sudah Bilang Kamu Tabu

balon yang diberimu tak pernah bertahan.
terbawa angin, kalau tidak meletus.
terkadang dengan kuatnya membawaku terbang,
untuk meletus di tengah awan,
menjatuhkanku kembali ke tanah
hingga hancur berserakan.
dan aku sudah bilang kamu tabu,

bahkan balon darimu adalah candu.

Penjaja

aku berteman
dengan lampu malam kota
yang menggoda manusia
untuk terlelap ketika dini hari tiba.

aku,
perempuan hina yang mengais pengampunan.

Songs to Sing

just like Georgia you're a sweet, sweet song
and i could keep on singing you a lifetime long
and while mister matthews sings, 'crash into me'
with ms. austin i hum along, 'say you love me'

when in need

incase you didn't know
i like being needed.
won't you help me?
pretend you need me.

Hi, Hello

Hey!
i meant 'hi...hello.'
would you, please, stay?
keep me from feeling hollow?

right there, don't move.
for a couple of moments
here, i think, you'll gain proof
of what you haven't

here goes: i love losing
the opportunities to see you
it helps me in quitting
-although not so much working
and forgetting how much i adore you

but here's a secret:
i still miss you;
though in a distance
i did try to keep you

Dariku

mungkin rentannya kebahagiaan
tidak datang dari mana-mana,
tetapi dariku,
yang harus terus menambah jarak
berjalan membelakangimu.

Sampai Mati

misalkan aku mati sekarang
dan meninggalkanmu sebuah surat cinta
akankah kau menangis dan menyesal
dan merasaku memelukmu dari belakang?

Aku Punya 1001 Puisi Untukmu

aku punya 1001 puisi untukmu
dan kesemuanya
adalah 1001 alasan
untuk tidak membacakannya
di hadapanmu

Kopi Sore Hari

sepertinya sampai kapanpun
ini akan terus menjadi harapan kosong:
kamu mencintai aku
dan aku mencintaimu yang mencintai aku
tapi setidaknya kita menikmati saat-saat ini
menghabiskan momen-momen indah bersama
tak menghiraukan hal yang lainnya.
sebentar lagi angka 12 adalah 60
dan tangan waktu akan berhenti
mati suri untuk sementara
selagi kita memicingkan mata, melihat jauh ke depan.
sementara itu, aku akan terus menanti
saatnya kita minum kopi di sore hari
melepas penat bersantai sejenak
hingga waktu menyuruhmu untuk pulang

kepada temanku yang ditinggal temannya jatuh cinta

seperti tertinggal kereta, bukan?
yang tersisa hanya rasa kecewa
setelah berlari mengejarnya,
memanggil-manggil, tapi yang ia lakukan hanya berlalu.
segalanya memang lebih mudah
jika kau 'melapisinya dengan kalkir'
agar semuanya berubah 'penuh miasma',
tak terlihat 'walaupun sebenarnya ada.'

kepada temanku yang ditinggal temannya jatuh cinta,
cinta akan datang kepadamu
dan jika kau mau
nanti ketika datang pianis dan manajer botak
hendak bermain engklek,
melempar dadu bermain ludo,
berlagak kaya bermain monopoli,
atau berlarian riang bermain galaksin,
lalaikan saja momen-momen itu.
sambut cintamu.

Berselisih Jalan

aku memang selalu menanti
datangnya undangan makan malam
atau sekedar lambaian tangan
darimu, selalu kunanti.

malam itu tiba berita darimu,
"Aku ada di dekat rumahmu.
Makan malam bersama?
Bagaimana, sayangku?"

refleks hatiku menjawab, "ya"
tapi sayang sekali sungguh, sayang
tawaran makan malam darimu datang
terlambat sudah adanya.

Di sampingku telah menunggu
hati lain yang ingin mencintaiku
karena kamu tak mernah membalas dengan pasti
aku berpaling dan kini telah memilih.

A Dying Heartbeat

a smile from you means one less heartbeat.
a full conversation is like digging my own grave.
i sure get jumpy everytime we're supposed to meet
but you hug me only in May; my birthday.

i'm sure my heart's surviving with patches
each for the scar you unknowingly scrape.
and while you love our moments of nothingness
how haven't you noticed i've been dying a little bit each day?

Promenade, Bersamaku?

senja indah terbit sudah
dan langit berubah merah
bebunyian mendadak sunyi
digantikan makluk malam sibuk menyanyi

kuambil hati yang sempat
tergeletak kehilangan cinta sesaat
tertitipkan padanya kenangan
sebuah sakit, diam tertahan

mencinta untuk cinta

kalau kau mengerti ini kutulis untukmu
luangkanlah waktu; promenade
terakhir kali, bersamaku
di bawah purnama dan 1 bintang itu*

Sayap

deru angin dan banjuran air hujan membuat hari ini lebih dingin, walaupun jam baru menunjukkan pukul 11. matahari yang sedari pagi memang bersembunyi di balik awan masih bersinar walaupun terlihat temaram. aku duduk sendiri, menunggu makhluk-makhluk lain berdatangan sambil mengepakkan sayap-sayap indah mereka.

sembari melipat kaki agar terlindung dari air hujan yang menetes dari palang, kuperhatikan bunga-bunga yang ada di dekatku. begitu basah, kelopaknya terlihat akan segera sobek dan rusak. rerumputan di sekitarnya juga basah, namun aku tidak begitu peduli karena...hanya karena mereka tidak menarik.

...dingin.

aku merinding kedinginan, terkena hujan kemudian angin. dan makhluk-makhluk itu belum ada yang datang. wajar, derasnya air yang tumpah dari atas pasti membuat mereka kesusahan untuk mencapai tempat ini.

akhirnya kubuka agendaku dan mulai membuat garis-garis tidak beraturan. gambaran perasaanku saat itu. ruwet. berbagai macam rasa bercampur menjadi satu. aku berganti gerakan tangan dan membuat tulisan-tulisan yang tak ada artinya. kalimat-kalimat kosong yang tidak berfungsi apa-apa. dangkal. kalimat-kalimat murahan yang kudapat dari lirik-lirik lagu.

...dingin.
...bosan.

aku merinding kedinginan sambil menumpuk kebosanan, terkena hujan, angin, kemudian sepi, dan makhluk-makhluk itu belum ada yang datang. padahal aku sudah menanti kepakan sayap-sayap cantik sedari tadi. wajar, derasnya air hujan pasti menghambat mereka.

si hijau milikku tidak bertenaga lagi. baterainya habis, keberadaannya sia-sia. kupalingkan lagi wajahku ke bawah, menatap agenda yang masih terbuka tadi. kali ini kuputuskan untuk menulis apa saja yang keluar lewat gerakan tangan, tanpa berpikir.

jadilah lembaran-lembaran kertas semakin penuh dengan coretan tanpa arti. gabungan dari tulisan, garis, kurva, dan titik-titik yang tidak bermakna. yah, setidaknya aku terlihat sibuk.

...dingin.
...bosan.
...pegal.

aku merinding kedinginan, menumpuk kebosanan, sambil menggerakkan leherku yang mulai pegal setelah dilanda hujan, angin, dan sepi. hujan mulai melunak, merintik. suasana semakin sunyi, namun entah mengapa saat itu aku mendengar sesuara memanggil namaku. akhirnya, sambil menoleh ke arah pintu mencari sumber suara tadi, sudut mataku menangkap sosok-sosok familiar.

mereka datang.

makhluk-makhluk yang kutunggu sedari tadi sudah datang, lengkap dengan sayapnya masing-masing. berkilauan dengan indah terkena tetesan hujan dan sinar matahari sekaligus.

...

kupu-kupu? malaikat? hanya aku yang tahu.

...

"ada kelas apa?"

aku tersenyum hendak menjawaqb, dan pada saat itulah hujan seperti berhenti, dan matahari menembus awan-awan yang menghalangi, memelukku dengan kehangatan, seolah ia menyayangiku.

short ones

and when i say
all the nice things about you
they would only be an understatement
because you're above and beyond
anything i'd ever hoped for
________

betapa inginnya aku bicara apa adanya.
tapi ketika aku bilang matamu bagus
kamu bilang "aku tahu, semua orang juga bilang begitu"
________

tak maukah kau duduk di sini?
sebentar saja,
sekedar menemani air mataku
sampai alirnya terhenti

dan kalau kuulang lagi
permintaan picisan ini
masih tak maukah kau duduk di sini?
menemani?
_________

so what is it you want me to do?
i'll get up, go, and do it for you.
if you tell me to fly high,
i'll go get a star from your favorite sky.
take your time, it's okay to be late
believe me it is, i'll just stay and wait
if you want me to be here, i will
even when you don't need me near.

if you tell me to fly high,
i'll go get a star from your favorite sky.

Mati Suri

lalu sepi menghampiri
berisik suara berubah sunyi
dan tembok bata yang mengelilingi
perlahan mulai rontok

satu demi satu
orang-orang di dalamnya menghilang
memburam pergi perlahan
seiring leburnya batu

lalu sepi menghampiri
berisik suara berubah sunyi

Under Pressure

Water submerge my lungs
to find it's better to watch from afar
to find i'm better set aside
as the truth concealed has been revealed

i can't feel my breathing
as the air is taken away from me
replaced by so much misery
and i begin to prefer being lonely

the cold is spreading
my head is aching
and i can't stop wishing
a beginning for an ending

but i guess the end's already written
i won't ever get The Fates to listen
anyway, i promise today i won't be bitter
i'll stand near nowhere but in the middle

asap dan wangi menthol memberikan kenyamanan

aku menikmati kesedihan
bertemankan sakit hati
menunggu sampai datangnya waktu
ketika kamu berjalan ke arahku
sehingga asap dan wangi menthol menyelubungi
nikotin meracuni otak dan hati
kabut dan tabir menyelimuti yang nyata
dan aku berubah lebih bahagia

a morning rambling

it was early in the morning
when interestingly enough
i'd rather listen to the commercials
because the djs were sucky.
but the ads started to become boring
it was the same brands and taglines
following the same annoying jingles
on every freakin' frequency.
so i turned down the volume
because i can't turn the radio off.
cause i can't stand the quietness
or the loudness of the voices inside my head.
i heard hissing and swearing
as if i was in a movie about witches
casting spells in front of a kettle.
but there were no filmrolls,
it was just the fireworks
going off in my head.
i heard kabooms and crashings
as if i was in a movie about wars
with bloody soldiers, canons and bombs.
but there were no explosions.
they were the ocean waves
i'm wishing too hard to hear right then.
i closed my eyes as i breathe
and for a split second,
i swear, in the dark, everyone was running
leaving behind those "EAT MY DUST" laughters
in RGB color, with full speed,
while i was still standing,
colorless and motionless.
and so,
as i began to feel tired
of all the commotion going on,
i opened my eyes,
and gazed to my right
through the window of my car.
and found serenity
from the cars
stuck, all so motionless
in the middle of the traffic.

kisah imigran musiman

awan-awan oranye
begitu cantik berurai tipis
menghias remang langit senja
di atas atap-atap beton kota Jakarta

kunang-kunang warna-warni
tergantung ramai menyebar nuansa,
menggoda mata yang melewati
untuk berpaling ke sisi-sisi jalan

lebaran berakhir,
kukemasi kain di emperan
tempat dagangan kujajakan
dan beranjak aku pulang ke kampung halaman.

kutinggalkan hatiku di Jakarta
kutitipkan pada kenangan
dan kapan nanti...
pasti kuambil kembali