hush hush

talk is cheap
so i won't say it to you
but the next time we take a picture
have a notice of what i'll sign for you

Go

i opened the door
and found a brick wall
a delusional galore
time halted, you stall

now i'll stop being naive
go on, get ready to start
it's time for you to leave
my head and my heart

Statis

soal cinta:
tidak ada yang berubah
masih diinginkan
masih dihindari

come together

we know what it's all about:
broken hearts all over the world
come, unite
let's be broken together
be beaten down together
let's all hold hands
take off your masks
frown that forced smile
altogether now,
cry.

Sumpah Sampah

hari ini kelabu
begitu warna langit menfatwa hati
fluktuasi rasa berhenti dan singgah
di tempat rendah yang paling bawah

tapi sedih itu indah
dan lebih indah jika aku sedih karenamu
berbohong mengatakan, "tidak apa-apa"
tersenyum mengobati luka dengan menusuk-nusuknya

kita berangkulan kemudian dalam hati
bersumpah tidak akan saling mengenang
sumpah kosong sumpah bohong
sumpah,

sampah

sekarang

sungguh jika bisa,
kedatanganku padamu adalah segera
kelahiranku bukanlah dari kenangan
atau sekedar inginmu akan harapan

tak bisakah aku dia yang belum bernama
lalu muncul dari tengah waktu
yang sekarang kau anggap nyaman
yang sekarang kau sebut sekarang

Revelation

this kind of suffocation is unfair
you, mesmerizing me with that stare
all the while I have to look at the ground
I fear my eyes will tell you how my heart pounds

this game is an elaborate one
it's so highly structured that i'm giving up
I can no longer play it incognito
and that is a truth that we both already know

i dream to peacefully exit with the rain
to weep into the midnight without feeling any pain
but no, there you are with a pretended unawareness
belittling me to an unbearable shame

Clarity

flower-like colorful dots in the sky
made the heart flutter
gone go the heart-shaped ice
away with the coming of a clearer picture

Air dan Kematian

Akan kucintai (tanah) air ini
Ketika engkau benar-benar mati
Ketika aku benar-benar mati

Ketika aku benar-benar mati

Confusion

it's the "sure. fine. whatever." you don't hear correctly
or at least disingenuously construe
where's your fine sense of imagination?
i can't believe you still have no clue.

Memento Mori

Pak, bapak lihat awan?
mereka bergulungan di atas kita
(aku menatap langit yang tak biru, tertutup putih seluruhnya)
(lelah mereka menbentuk bentuk, cukup 1 permadani besar di atas sana)

Pak, aku yakin mereka berhati
merasa sama sepertimu dan aku
(merasa waktu mendetak dan mendetiki hidupnya)
(merasa hancur luntur bertangisan berkabung dirundung duka)

tapi Pak, langit yang begitu sedih tak pernah nampak sebelumnya
adakah ia menemaniku perlahan kehilanganmu?
(apakah ia menemanimu perlahan kehilanganku?)
(apakah ia menemanimu menangisi matiku hari ini?)

Pak, begitu indah hari ini
(langit begitu sedih kita tatap berlinangan)

Limbung

mendadak aku limbung melihatnya malam ini

tapi aku hanya bisa pulang.

A Case of Obsession

as they held on to each other in the end
i felt a definite kind of grief
in my heart, in my mind -
an overall cliche
of not ever seeing them again,
before realizing
that it's in fact
my heart, my self,
that needs mending
and a certain hug.

save me.

Wangimu Seperti Hujan

Wangimu seperti hujan
yang turun hari minggu pukul 10 pagi
hujan yang kusuka, yang meski turun deras namun tetap lembut bersuara.
Wangimu wangi yang biasa kuhirup di teras depan rumah.
Wangi yang biasa aku cinta.

Wangimu seperti hujan
yang turun ketika hari justru terlihat terang
hujan yang kusuka, yang meski turun tiba-tiba namun kunikmati setiap tetesnya.
Wangimu wangi yang datang membawakan kenyamanan untukku saat suara hujan berpadu bersama lagu-lagu di dalam mobil yang melaju.
Wangi yang selalu aku cinta.

Lost Cause

the emotion against me is unrelenting
and this tireful fight is still.
but i'm failing to breathe
as i'm filled with exhaustion.
cause when you're playing it by heart,
there's that chance of a love you can never impart.

motionless

the gray sky
melts. into
blue.

i cried while
hiding.
behind its dripping drops.

motionless
as the trickled ground.

down.
forgotten.

open letter

Tonight we shall wave adieu beneath the tall shadows of these trees. It will be a promise to vow our absences after this last meet. But you should know my heart, my dear, before we leave. It's deeply sadden by a reason of an ache that it's learned how to inveigle, to obfuscate itself that it believes in its lies. Lies that concerns you and your heart, and me, and mine. Lies that it had to construct so now it would not shatter so when we kiss our last kiss. It deceives by exchanging reality with the wrong truth - my wrong truth. Forgive my heart, because it wanted me to be your constant; all the while it was becoming tired of the pace you are leaving it with defeat. And while you have become my touchstone it realized it is not yours. Forgive my heart, my dear, it was hoping for the best. It knows well that you are my true heart, the center of my soul. But tonight we shall wave adieu beneath the tall shadows of these trees.

I will bow out and we shall say goodbye.

Misty Eyes Tonight.

She remembers that night too well. As the tides were coming close to her feet, she recalls the night years ago when she fell deeper into the starry sky above and the warmest see breeze she had ever felt. A head rest on her shoulders that night and they both counted the uncountable stars. They both enjoyed how the sand stuck between their toes felt; calming, soothing, perfect to ease the pain out of their hearts. She recalled to herself how much she loved the man who leaned on her shoulders. How, then, gently he got his head up and gave her his shoulder to lean on, and counted not the stars anymore, but things they'd rather be doing than this; and there were none. How they loved each other and that night.

Over the years she remembers that night by heart while he is now away and never coming back. Yet she's still not letting go of anything he'd ever was. Waiting in perpetuity, as the memories form a hope of another acquaintance, another time of a starry, starry night. But on this night, this particular night, all she remembers is the memory of them being afraid.

Tonight, she is standing on the beach of several years past and remembers how she soundlessly cried for realizing this world was never meant for him. Tonight, she chooses to wallow in grievance for her loss.

Tonight, is the night of all nights.

To Your Unborn Child and Your Leaving

intro: A man was nearly killed today @ Bantar Gebang while he was collecting trash for him to sell to feed his family. The garbage pile was too huge to handle and formed a small hill that almost befallen him. He was lucky. His 3 friends haven't been found. But they were luckier. A woman was found dead. Unlike the 3 men, that 5months-old child inside of her will never knew life at all.

have you read hemingway's 'baby shoes'?*
as it was, this is a short reference
of a sad grievance
i feel as if we have been acquainted

i bid you farewell
i offer you apologies
of people leaving behind trashy bits
from this consuming way of life

we have buried you over
with plastic truths and lies;
demoralization leftovers
we shoo away with red trucks

to your unborn child and your leaving;
up there you'll have clean air
so you're welcome to look down
and be grateful for your sooner departure

to your unborn child and your leaving;
this is my heart here,
it's
yours to take

ketika aku sedang ingin menangis merindukanmu

kau lihat awan yang bergulir-gulir di atas situ?
itulah yang kusuka dari langit
seperti aku menyukai jalanan kosong
melompong ketika malam sebentar lagi menjelang pagi
aku menyukai sepi yang tidak terlihat keramaiannya
aku menyukai ramai yang terlihat kesepian