-

di satu sudut yang

jarang kau kunjungi

ada satu cerita yang

belum ada selesainya

(jika kau ingat-ingat

mungkin kau tidak akan lupa)

di satu kalimat yang

tidak pernah lagi kau kunjungi

ada pecahan hati yang

sempat utuh sebelumnya

(jika kau ingat-ingat

mungkin kau tidak akan lupa)

di satu setapak yang

tak bisa lagi kau temui

ada hari lalu yang

semakin jauh adanya

(jika kau ingat-ingat

mungkin kau tidak akan lupa)

di satu hari yang

telah sengaja kau tutupi

ada aku yang

berdiri diam saja

(jika kau ingat-ingat

mungkin kau tidak akan lupa)

shrug

simply.

we are balloons
drifting without a home
except if you count the clouds
in a cotton candy sky.
we are dying red red hearts
skipping too many beats
but i guess
feeling is being.

lonely kings

gold and pearls
and precious stones
on an empty, worthless throne
do not compete,
do not rival
the kind of love
lonely kings
burn empires for

Wishing Purse

click. close. i wish, i wish, i wish.

be happy. get married. live together in the smallest, cheapest place you can find. fill it up with pictures upon pictures and candles upon candles because who needs furniture? work, work, work until either one of you get a raise— and then you move to a slightly bigger place. and yes you will take the pictures and hang them on your new walls. talk about having kids. and decide to adopt a cat first. fight about who spoils the cat the most. of course, you'll always win the fight— even though you both know you spoil it the most. fake fight about everything else. then kiss and make up. make each other's dinners. or have a date every saturday night. or friday. or stay at home and fake fight over the remote— you'll always let him win this one. talk about having kids. and maybe decide to have them for real this time. try every single rocking chair in the store and decide that you want your grandmother's old one. paint the nursery yellow because you don't like pink and he doesn't like baby blue. and when that baby comes out, or arrive at the front door— whichever you decide— have tons of fake fights about who loves him the most as he grows up. cheer for the baby's first step. then maybe the baby will fall and hurt their head, and oh dear god he's bleeding. so you frantically drive to the hospital and start cursing at every single living thing who's wearing a uniform but not helping the baby. and then maybe you'll scowl because of course he's going to laugh at you. but he tells you to not worry, and you stop worrying. well maybe just a little bit because—hello— your baby's in there with a suspiciously young nurse, who, by the way, has probably never handled a child before. so you pace the waiting room until they call you in to bring the baby home. go home. sit on the rocking chair. you'll never let the baby out of your sight again, you say, and he'll not like it. but he comes back with a hot cocoa and pillows, and an air mattress that he just pumped. you laugh when you hear him say maybe you should've settled with another cat. cry on the baby's first birthday. cry on the baby's first day of preschool. spend every morning curled up in each other's arms before your son barge into the room and bounce bounce bounce on the bed. then cry on the first day of elementary school. high school. and when your once little baby's finally off to college. he'll laugh at you, but later that night he'll tell you that he misses him too. on your fiftieth anniversary you'll have nothing else to say to each other, yet so much to tell. so you make him his favorite dinner and he helps you do the dishes. happy anniversary, he says, and yes it is a happy anniversary. and you tell him he makes you happy. he boops your nose and tells you ditto.

click. open. i wish, i wish, i wish.

Itu Merdeka

this is an oldie from last year. i just discovered it again on my other blog and it's not here yet. so.. yeah.

berlarianlah anak-anak kecil yang tak dikenal
menggambar engklek dengan kerikil di pinggiran jalan
habiskan waktu menunggu lampu menyala merah

tabuh tamborin seadanya
tutup-tutup botol dipasung ke sepotong kayu
tak bersepatu bukan berarti berhenti bekerja

melagu terus hingga dijumpai lagi lampu hijau
dan engklek pun kembali dilakoni tertawa-tawa
ayah dan ibu duduk melihat sambil berteduh saja

(ini kisahmu sekarang
bebas merdeka tetapi merdeka berlalu,
merdeka yang hampir)

buku cerita terserak luka
sedu sedan tangis pilu bersisi dua
merdeka masih suatu hari datangnya

semacam tembang yang dicipta lalu terlupa
buka jendelamu hingga terusik ia terkenang
dengar anak-anak kecil bermain di pinggir jalan

itu merdeka, saudara
semerdu merdeka yang pernah diajarkan kepadamu
buka kepalan tangan itu

dear helen

of all the things you ponder
at sixty-two
did you regret giving betty
i wanna be loved by you
(just you, nobody else but you)
or just
betty?

the other side of midnight

the other side of midnight is light
untouched by the cryptic voices in your head
spared by the vicious monsters that reside in your heart
and most importantly, armored from your self destructive mind
it's happy — in a non tumultuous way
colorful in a muted tone that tugs a sigh
but still it worries for the sun will eventually rise

the other side of midnight is light
and vile

hell

is
a 
small
small
world

Waiting for Polo

where do you go when you're lonely?
(are you singing or are you asking a question?)
to a tree.
to a lonely tree in the middle of the park.
and you sit there,
leaning your back against it.
wishing that you'll grow lesser in loneliness,
well, now that you're sharing it with the tree.
but it's no use.
your heart feels smaller than it's supposed to be.
or did it grow too big for your chest?
either way, it's not a good feeling.
you want somebody's hand to hold yours.

why are you here alone?
("Marco," you whisper to the wind.
the wind answers you nothing.)

arcane

(then you forget,
a little too easily
that i, too,
break)

this is how

love
loudly and with purpose

santana

in darkness you sit alone and unholy
but you are not unlike your name
you have seen the light but there it fades
already forever damaged, cracked,
and broken indoors you have become

you ask yourself, how does one carry on through
a killing avalanche without turning into one?
but before the question was finished,
you've forced upon yourself an answer:
one does not.

so sinking to the floor you are now
unsure but willfully losing air
you smile a faint smile and say
hello, to fate, but as you do
you wail to love a silent goodbye



*yes, i invest too much in fictional characters. but i like what her name means. 

i thee wed

forget the flowers they will just die

let's just be
let's just live
crazy ever after
we will love

state

and how can one drift
in and out and in and out
from one limbo to another?
there's no winning to this matter, is there?

what i am is afloat,
but barely,
and contentment
is unknown

bisik

terkadang yang kau dengar hanya hiruk pikuk suara
mampir lantang menggelegar menyakiti telinga
dan nyatanya baru kau tahu
ternyata sepi itu bijaksana

ternyata sepi itu bijaksana
kalau kau tak sibuk mempertanyakannya
yang kau tahu hanya yang boleh kau tahu
bukan dari mana datangnya atau mengapa dia diam saja

ternyata sepi itu bijaksana
kalau sesekali kau berani menghilang
di tengah ruang gelap dan yang kau perlu
hanya menutup mata dan menghirup nafas saja

(lalu dengan penuh cinta dia membisikimu,
memelukmu dengan kata-kata bisu yang tak bisa kau dengar
tapi kau rasakan dengan seksama,
nyatanya sepi itu bijaksana)

the telling tale of a pirate girl

my dearest, dearest love
how your patch has blinded you
angle of our rudder you have control of
but not the storm when the sea is greenish blue

so the story goes i was drowning
and my captain, you were dry land
saved me from the waves a-pounding
worry on your face, salvation in your hand

spent our days drifting at sea ever since
designing the biggest, toughest ship of all
and while i wait for all my sins to rinse
into a worse hell i steadily crawl

little regrettable half-truths
disguised lies and pieces of fiction
yet you refuse to take notice of the proof
know that i am a crippling affliction

so i will leave what's left of you at this deck
live, captain, repair your heart of chips
maybe this ship was meant to be a wreck
the best of plans can't save a heart that trips

partially painful

half spoken words fail
a trifle matter of meaning
covered in the sound
of pointlessness

gypsy minds
and unsettle hearts
here is absolutely everything

but here is nothing

autumn

you will not
weigh me down
like a cold,
gray morning

midnight burnout: haiku

silence climbs the night
and you offered the ladder
but soundlessness kills

yonder

must pacify
a loud sorrow commands
halt, I say and say I
none of that today

silver and gold on Carolina blue
someday I will cross you
but for now I must delay
must pacify

spring to me

softly sneaking and subtle
with a hint of a sweet,
lovely scent
of Peonies afloat

breeze,
breeze drift a gentle manner
whisper me a quiet number
I will listen with the lea

the kind of poem
that does not rhyme,
untroubled pen on untroubled paper,
you are spring to me

cinta saja

berjingkat-jingkat melangkah kecil-kecil
bermain halang rintang dengan apa yang menghadang
misalkan menyeberangi sungai lompat menapaki bebatuan
perlahan menghitung kemungkinan
sampai di seberang tanpa jatuh tercebur basah
misalkan melompati kubangan
menghindari lumpur selepas hujan
sebelum melonjak mengira-ngira
sekuat apa agar tak mendarat lalu kotor
misalkan menemui jalan setapak tertutup tanah,
batu dan pasir--
ah, sudahlah, untuk apa berhati-hati?
tak ada salahnya kerikil menyandung
jika jatuh kita cuma terperosok
ke dalam bukan apa-apa
cinta saja

hai mimpi

para kurcaci sudah pulang ke hutan sedari tengah malam, tak suka bertemu dengan matahari jika tak sendiri mereka menari di antara pepohonan. tinggal gaun dan sebelah sepatu kaca saja tertinggal-- ah! hilang sudah bersama gelap yang baru saja berganti pagi dengan mata dan jendela terbuka.

hai mimpi, sebenar-benarnya kamu bertandang ketika kedua mataku terpejam, tak pernah kamu menetap lalu menjelma hidup. lihat itu langit, cerah biru tapi mustahil secantik yang neon hijau yang pernah kusaksikan dalam lelap lamunan.

tak pernah benarkah adanya seekor kuda bertanduk satu, sepohon kacang yang tumbuh hingga ke balik awan, atau pangeran yang membantai naga menghembus api? dan jika kita tersesat di tengah hutan berjalan kaki, takkan adakah sebuah rumah yang manis jika dimakan? takkan pernahkah kita temui sebuah labu berubah menjadi kereta dengan tikus-tikus yang simsalabim menjadi kuda?

tidak?

...

betapa pahit dan membosankannya dongeng ini.

gembala kecil ebiet g. ade

hai gembala kecil
ambil kembali capingmu
kau lempar dia kepada ombak
namun ombak tak perlu

ganti tangismu itu, katanya
tanah bencana ini basah sudah terlalu
mengalir terus ke laut hingga tinggi
hendak tenggelam kita bersama air mata

langit apakah menjawab kabar duka yang kau bawa?
sampai kapanpun kau tengadahkan wajahmu

awan bergumpalan tak berbekal sahutan

takkan langit mampu hentikan bosan tuhan

jika jatuh kau terluka
obati dan bangkit lagi berkali-kali
yang telah lama mati biarkan terbaring
berkabung selamanya, tapi hiduplah berjiwa


(sambil nonton video klip Berita Kepada Kawan - Ebiet G. Ade)

Kala

Saling mendorong tapi jatuh itu tabu
Siapa yang hendak menangkap tidak di antara kita
Atau mungkin di sela-sela tapi bersembunyi saja
Yang aman berhenti mendesak tapi berhenti itu sesak
(Ada kilat sambar-menyambar menyerta degupan berlaju-laju)

Peduli apa kita sama sekali tidak sama
Merampas sesekali pandang mengemban entah
Berpura-pura tidak tahu, tahu-tahu tidak berpura-pura
Terlibat peristiwa terbelit waktu terancam punah
(Lincam kita berpamitan di tengah kisah)

One lazy muse upon solitude

We are not lonely
Alone, but saved.
Rescuers, behold. A handful of gratitude
floating your way.

No sorrow tomorrow.

tapak nyanyian

another duet with Ms. Runi
runi is blue
i am green

dari kejauhan ada gemuruh
dan detik pun bergulung-gulung
wild child, it's time
bunda waktu bersenandung
kinanti sebelum tidur
dan tanya tanya tetap menari


dari kejauhan gemuruh perlahan mendekati
tak ada yang tertidur, tabuh drum itu! tabuh drum itu!
wild child, seek and not weep
sungguh nyaman itu ada
tak kau lihat dia berkelambu gelisah
dan berayun-ayun menggoda angin musim semi


tulip kuning muda temani hatimu berdansa
membisiki janji emas pelangi
memintal-mintal gerakan sampai pening kepalamu bahagia
dan semua menyair hanya satu lagu
wild child, sing your heart out
dan hela nafas senyum itu

lenyap ritual

hanya secangkir kopi di tanganmu.
secangkir untukku di tanganmu,
tak terlihat lagi bentuk rupanya.

pagi tak pernah cerah kembali.




(sooooo stolen from castle.)

antisipasi

seru sekali bukan, 
menjudikan harapan, 
tanpa tahu siapa yang akan menang.
melangkah ke lantai dansa,
setengah bergandeng tangan, 
tapi tidak bersama seperjalanan.
tarik ulur saling menyerang, 
seperti bermain anggar, 
kita terus demikian.
sampai kita menganggukkan,
tanpa berloncat-loncatan,
bertaruh hati dadu ini kita mainkan.

what little time we had you spent it to tell me that you can't love me and then i pitied myself for not feeling the same

why darling, you
must have no idea
how hard it is to
love someone that you know
is going to break
your heart


(kinda stolen from an episode of Castle. kinda.)
(the title sounds like something out of postsecret. which is not a bad thing. at all.)
(i feel kinda blue.)

the invitation

the things that make us so heartbroken
are never about what the letters say
we care more, we are devoted
to what is not written on the page

and to ourselves is a promise of creation
of a barrier before affection steps to enter
gather all the oil, coil, and feed off frustration
shatterproof hearts, for the robots in the future

danse macabre

what is there to know more?
let the music be,
let the cantor sing and stare down.
feel the room under your feet,
just move.
can you taste it, the subtle savor of melancholy?
the grief,
and rapture that seep with each step
while we dance this delicate dance

slow down.
we're in no hurry to end,
are we?

absence

one forgotten wish you have run upon
to give me an echo to listen to in my ears

my dear,
how have you been gone

reasons and treasons

an airplane in the sky draws
letters of our names
inside a gigantic smoky heart.
when it's done it lands down
and we fade into bits
and pieces
of nothingness;
just air.
have we listened to
what we hear ourselves speak of?
not lies, but insist that we are storytellers,
we write fictions;
sincere contradictions.
we write reasons of treasons and they
all make sense.

but peter, how do we get to neverland?

my, my, how peculiar

aiming for a castle of sand

but all is a little bit of blur

and everything is, in never Neverland

the mermaids have all died

the pirates have all drowned

where's that pink house, you lied

no more than just caramel brown

see? no injuns or bears

but contained were our qualms

following behind our trails

bang! there goes the ticking bomb

who razed it into tiny crumbling pangs

then shoved us over the precipice

what has our treasure turned into?

nothing more than just blood on a wrist

so everything never was

second star to the left?

or was everything really was

second star to the left?

jauh di dalam hutan di sebuah pondok tua

berdansa dengan hati terpatah-patah
ditemani asap kepulan kuali
satu jumput, dua jumput akar-akaran
setengah cangkir ramuan istimewa
setangkup penuh kehendak
bercengkerama dengan hati berharap-harap
tak lagi terserak di sebuah pondok tua
berdansa dengan hati terpatah-patah

kudus

hendak ke mana belum terputus langkah kita

setapak berlumpur atau yang kering saja

bersandal jepit asal saling menggengam tangan

tak perlu sampai di tujuan pun tak mengapa

di tengah-tengah nanti kita menengadah

sesekali menikmati hujan dengan mata terbuka

mencari bentangan pita manis di angkasa

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

(ah, itu dia)

unremediable

tell me to keep a secret drawer
fill it with rocks and white and gray quills
but what kind of insurance do feathers offer?
i'm not looking to fly
you can see i'm already floating
do i need wings, still, and
will i find angels with them?
what about these rocks?
will they help me remember the ground,
the sand, the mud that came with each one?
i'm not looking forward to look back
memories are that
just that

and in your secret drawer i see
pencils and a book ready to be written full
but what kind of protection do empty pages hold?
everything is here,
already here within our days
don't you remember, and
don't you remember with your heart?
and why are those pencils short?
if you have spent them on love
letters, why have none come for me?
and why trick is a part of trickle
is still a wonder
i wonder

traumerei*

*by Schumann. i wrote this while listening to it
and you guys should read this, SLOWLY, with Traumerei playing on the background :)

meadow;
four shades of green
we are children
running
through young flowers bloom
no shoes, freedom
we laugh while tumbling
down, we're not falling

did we hold hands?

i
remember
we
spun
holding
hands

butterflies;
five of six we see
we are children
chasing
them away wishing to catch them
we will learn in a few years
we will regret some
and long to feel more

how do we stop?

i
hope
we
will
never
stop

count the clouds
one
two three
fourfiveseventen
and sunshine
the ground is warm
our backs say it is
soft with love

did you feel loved?

i
will
never
not
love
you

meadow;
here is not green
we are children
bright-eyed
stretching our time
springtime must never finish
hush, i hear
Traumerei is playing

are you listening?

i
won't
ever
want
to
leave

Kerlip

blue part by Runi
green part by me

adalah pendar tutur lagumu
yang kuikuti diam-diam
seperti kepik merah totol hitam
berhinggapan dari bunga melati
kuning labu dan matahari

adalah pendar tutur dongengmu
yang kukagumi diam-diam
seperti kunang-kunang kemerlip
mengedip genit memberi asa
pada malam berdegup resah

lihat, berkilauan air danau
tersiram bulan waktu malam
menari-nari gemintangan
mengikuti lagumu yang terdengar
jauh, jauh sampai hatiku berdebar

adalah itu dan semuanya
menggelembungi kau dan aku
terduduk manis terlibat embun pagi
kembali menanti kepik merah totol hitam
berhinggapan pada bunga melati

masked ball

undercover
fancy feathers
intoxicated faces
spirits in tall glasses

hujan dari lantai 42

payung
banyak payung
hujan dari lantai 42
menegangkan
kadang kau takut guntur begitu dekat
tapi payung
banyak payung-- menyenangkan.

Cerita Kanak-Kanak, Reuni

Tersembunyi di balik selimut
adalah celoteh-celoteh kita
ditemani lampu senter yang menyala
terang menyinari kenangan yang tak
seberapa penting namun berharga.
Umur berapa pesta ulang tahunmu hancur
berantakan karena gigimu tanggal tiba-tiba.
Bulan apa tahun berapa kita menyeberang
jalan hampir tertabrak mobil,
hendak mengambil bola.

tale telling

so you want to grow up, but what if i say no
couldn't we just stay here for a moment or so
let's have a childish saturday night
or friday, sunday, any day is fine
finger paint the walls, tell stories in the dark
pretend we're divers surrounded by sharks
fake a lemonade sale outside on the driveway
make believe we live in a castle far, far away
and envious kids will want to explore the chambers
they'll yell from outside saying our names and danger
so cover your ears hard. harder. try to ignore
cause the world is wicked, don't open the door

four words*

i still think that
you should have stayed
then we could have
walked through the park
just like how we
planned it when we
sat by the table
in a cafe somewhere
downtown near the square
we could have tried
crossing the broken bridges
leading to other lands
and get violets that
are not blue unlike
what we have heard
-- i know, i was
in shock like you
violets aren't just blue --
we could have built
a picnic that i
would have had prepared
your favorite, peanut butter
and strawberry jelly, mine
shoes are dumb, we
will go walk barefoot
and let wet grass
caress both our soles
and souls as we
start to hold hands
-- you would initiate it
and i would concur --
you should have stayed
i will love you





*per line.

Let Me Explain

cinta monyet

Aku harap kamu tau

pensil yang kuraut hingga tajam sebelum kau pinjam
hanya untuk kamu

roti bekal makan siang yang kusiapkan sendiri tadi pagi
hanya untuk kamu

cat kuku cantik yang tadi malam kukuas sampai sempurna
hanya untuk kamu

kedipan-kedipan kecil mataku ketika kamu menoleh ke belakang
hanya untuk kamu

hati yang barusan mulai berdebar kencang
hanya untuk kamu

kupu-kupu yang sibuk beterbangan dalam perutku
hanya untuk kamu

seemua itu dan lainnya untuk sampai kita tua, jelekk dan keriput
hanya untuk kamu

aku harap kamu tau

Chances

Talking in an old-fashioned manner
with you, with myself.
And hearts vapor
into suffocation.
Misfortune awaits.
With any luck, it'll pass.
But we both know,
we suck at gambling.

Here's to losing.

Ini.

pada hari-hari tertentu seperti waktu langit sedang cerah
saat awan-awan berwarna putih
atau ketika bunga-bunga kuning bermunculan
merayakan musim semi di sebuah padang rumput

pada hari-hari tertentu seperti waktu langit sedang cerah
dan dari kejauhan suara tawa anak-anak
kecil terbawa angin dari sebuah taman bermain,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan yang tercium adalah
wangi tanah yang tersiram air,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan yang kau lihat ketika
membuka jendela adalah sebuah pelangi,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan kau menengadah
menutup payungmu menikmati 1-2 sisa titik air,
waktu langit kembali cerah dan awan-awan
kembali berwarna putih dan bunga-bunga kuning yang tumbuh di padang rumput
belum kering benar,
dan pada hari-hari lainnya yang tidak seperti itu

waktu kamu, dan payungmu,
berjalan menikmati sore hari di depanku
aku selalu jalan sedikit lebih cepat
sebisa mungkin menyamai langkahmu

aku janji, suatu hari nanti, kamu akan berhenti menungguku sejenak
tapi sampai saat itu, aku akan selalu jalan sedikit lebih cepat

vlindert*

aku masih punya
burung bangau dari kertas, satu

kutemukan setelah lama,
kusimpan memang sudah lama,
di dompet tadi malam

kuambil dari sebuah meja di restoran,
aku duduk di sampingmu
di depanmu angsa juga dari kertas

dan yang aku ingat dari malam itu,
selain bangau dan angsa dari kertas,
betapa mudahnya duduk di sampingmu

melipat-lipat masa depan
seperti kertas melipat binatang
seperti bergandengan


*title is dutch.

mind love

what i really want is
to make you a cup of tea
that you will have one afternoon
with me, and a couple of cinnamon pastries
(because underneath your gallant pose
i know you love them sweets)
outside on the porch when we're 73
we'll see
the rest of our lives waiting to be
lived, the way it's been lived.
together.
..and in my little head
anything may be.

-

what is left of our love?
dying out of sorrow
all the while oblivious
about the last word it will speak
and it will speak of itself
before it crashes bleak
as we dance to one final ballad
and descend into you and i

monsternya menang

tepuk- tepuk bergembira
berlari-lari kita dari monster yang mendekati
awas, dia di belakangmu, katamu dan
aku tertawa terbahak-bahak mengindarinya

monster kelelahan, aku,
kamu, dan dia terduduk terengah-engah
capai, katamu dan
aku bilang aku juga

hai lihat layangan terbang
milik siapa benangnya
putus hingga melayang sampai jauh sampai
tiba dia di depanmu

akankah kau ambil, aku bertanya kau hanya
diam memandanginya
kuulang sekali lagi hingga
monster di belakang kita bergerak merebutnya

ah, kau diamkan terlalu lama, ujarku
sedikit kecewa tapi sambil tertawa sementara
kau diam tak berkata lalu menoleh
lekat ke arahku dan bertanya, mengapa

tak kuambil layangan itu

faithlessness

one meticulous affair
and what's done is done
a little bit of sorrow
far into my soul, it's gone


and here's to you,
a bitter shadow of doubt,
a hard question to answer in truth,
such cold, lonely sun

death

such brilliant eyes are there no more, they have
become dead. buried, depressed. left with
no air to live from.

saint of lost causes come save them.

comfortable

on some days where there are clouds
i look forward to nights with bright stars
a big moon, perfect and round
and flashing lights of passing planes

i expect my share of peace and quiet
that i've consciously created
and troubles and friends
are meticulous weaves i set aside

and so i am well and fine
and i'm comfortably looking for nothing

i am well and fine.

...

aku ingat kamu
bermain kartu membaca masa lalu
mencari ingatan tentang masa depan
membaca pikiran hanya dengan memandang
(aku ingat kamu)

how i love you ver 2.0

how i love you is odd.
like an African long for the rain but
fear a two day pour… and secretly he adores
the sweet scent of wet soil after.
like the Kuiper Belt – on the outside, but
with Pluto it grazes the galaxy… it needs a closer look
to comprehend.
how i love you is strange – as alien as what we call
faith: believing something
that is hard to, let alone can be seen,
but nothing proves otherwise so we stand proud.
also is strange, hearing Satie’s Gymnopedie in our heads, while
chasing monsters with butterfly nets in slow motion –
an esoteric thing, enjoyed by
those who anxiously wait to travel
in the speed of light, they have stars to reach
like you; something to fawn upon.
nothing lasts, it comes and goes. but
in a way everything does last, like
how i love you;
nothing lasts
because they rise and cease to
rise and cease again.
like the leaps and loops and drops
of a roller coaster that
takes you by surprise.
unpredictable, but expected
terrifying, but completely compelling.

essentially,
that is
how i love you.

jalan

hirupbuang. hirupbuang. tahan.
jalan pelan-pelan
nikmati detak jantungmu yang semakin berdebar
kau dengar? itu suara sepi memanggil
barangkali dari depan
atau dari balik punggungmu yang semakin mengecil

wajahmu mulai panas kini
matamu mulai gelap
meninggi mabuk kehilangan rasa
sesak berjalan tanpa udara
berjalan maju tak kembali
tanpa tengok tanpa maksud
untuk pernah berhenti

(semoga kau temukan
di ujung jalan yang sempit ini
ada tarikan nafas yang sempat berhenti)

broken mermaid 2.0

My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean
Stumbling on with exhaustion of being drenched
Silently lurking in despair, it waits
Filled with restlessness for suicidal air

It dreams about waltzing out of tempo into a lethargic dance
With pale fingers clutching on dead roses red
Insidious steps done, two feet alone
A make believe game, with no one to resonate

It smells and feels like the air of a coming storm
Perilous in vulnerability
Prepared to trample itself with violent frustration
Until nothing is heard, nothing is seen

But my soul has been seen cursed and confined to the depths of the heavy seas
What disruption it desires will not come true
My soul is lost, as I am lost
My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean

fear

I remember
the rush on my horrified feet
pedaling away from fear

I remember
the menacing footsteps against the tar
the sound of terror

I remember
the sinister stare over my shoulder
the eyes of the hunter

I remember
my five-year-old self escaping
my neighbor's dog

ziel

My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean
dreams about waltzing out of tempo into a lethargic dance
smells and feels like the air of a coming storm
has been seen cursed and confined to the depths of the heavy seas





format taken from 'Poetry Everywhere' by Jack Collom and Sheryl Noethe.

scirocco

hampir-hampir lalu hari ini
hendak beranjak namun kemudian ada yang hinggap
adalah rupamu pada kenangan
sehalus angin semilir mengecup ramah dedaunan

entah
aku ingin berlama-lama di sini
sekedar menikmatimu yang tak benar-benar ada

lagu untuk siapa

den/ting/

yang kutakutkan bukan hatiku yang pecah
tapi milikmu yang berhamburan

a number of small things

with you at home,
a wreath hanging on the front door
chocolate soup cooking on the range,
home, underneath blankets

such a quiet, quiet city
all we hear
is somebody's soft trumpet
faint tunes of the night

ballerina

spin dance spin.
spin until the melody's no longer.

stop.
wind again.

spin dance spin.
spin until you mellow out.
close the box and i am folded
into nothing.

spin dance spin.
spin dance.
spin.

stop.

wind again and leave me
dance you out of my heart.

echo

sepi!
(sepi
sepi
sepi
sepi)

wwyd?

flutterby, flutterby
can't you hear my heart sigh
when we go see fireflies dancing?
some subtlety you're not getting
(what if i told you i'm in love?)

War

almost morning, love.
cometh, vicious enemy called time
two hands and a face,
deciding enough

Magic Boy

[this is for the boy
with his magical deploy]

i sing songs
all day long
you do tricks
just for kicks

out from your hat
a little blue cat
one pair of socks
and a grandfather's clock

out from your head
"you grow flowers!" i said
a little bit of incentive
for something else you're going to give

abracadabra and alakazam!
there you wand with a big kind of bang
from behind a mystifying smoke
you appear with a rainbow-colored cloak

what's the occasion to be treated sky high?
a question to which you proudly reply,
"to hand you my heart, of course,
something mine that has always been yours."

hancur pelan-pelan

sebab apa yang seharusnya kau ketahui? apakah keinginanku
menari bersama di bawah hujan? untuk bertelanjang kaki
bermain lumpur bersamamu? dan berlari-larian mengejar
kupu-kupu di padang rumput yang hanya muncul di malam hari?

tapi sebab dan inginku hanya berupa sunyi. jika tak
kau sadari sekarang maka selamanya kusimpan
mungkin lain kali, mungkin.

(tapi diam-diam aku beruraian, diam-diam
aku pecah berpelantingan)

inspirasi

membacamu suatu perjuangan,
sepertibukutebaltanpatitiktanpakoma
lari lari dan lari terdengar suaraku
sendirian membaca ceritamu

saat ini kau tengah beristirahat
mesin ketik tak tik tak tik tak sibuk mengetik
menikmati segelas teh hangat yang sudah
dingin terbengkalai sejak tadi malam,
sambil mengasbak puntung ke-19 rokok milikmu itu

ah, sunyi kamar ini, kataku
kau hanya diam dan aku teraba-aba untuk pergi
baju yang berserakan satu-persatu kupunguti,
kupakai lagi menurut tampilan kemarin
petang.

kau hanya diam, menarik napas sejenak
sambil menengok ke arah pintu.
menunggu siapa dirimu? inspirasi takkan
datang lewat pintu

tapi kau tak menunggu kedatangan.
kau menyuruhku untuk pulang

membacamu penuh perjuangan, kataku
membuka pintu

...

dari depan mesin ketikmu yang sudah
mulai mengetik tak tik tak tik kembali,
kau pastikan,

kita jumpa lagi nanti malam?

Karmic Tune

here's to our karmic tune
and all its wrong melodies
instead of making you swoon
I become most everybody

but at least i can take it slow
I have this patience i can coach
and maybe, baby, in our next life,
you'll be a cockroach I'll despise

don't go away

i used to sit at the park with you
watched together the sky change hue
and we imagined clouds like tarts
counted airplanes, kites and stars

remember how we loved
all the things we pointed up
planes and birds and kites and stars
and all the clouds that looked like tarts

i, as you, still love the memories
but now airplanes are my enemies
because, "airplanes," to you i say
"they always take you away."

listening.

see?
as you play "secret heart"
you begin to ask
the same question
to yours.

Stifle.

i need a stopgap treatment
because all i do is dream
about you and i being us.

Gimme a thousand TVs.

for you.

how i love you is odd.
like an African long for the rain but
fear a two day pour… and secretly he adores
the sweet scent of wet soil after.
like the Kuiper Belt – on the outside, but
with Pluto it grazes the galaxy… it needs a closer look
to comprehend.
how i love you is strange – as alien as what we call
faith: believing something
that is hard to, let alone can be seen,
but nothing proves otherwise so we stand proud.
also is strange, hearing Satie’s Gymnopedie in our heads, while
chasing monsters with butterfly nets in slow motion –
an esoteric thing, enjoyed by
those who anxiously wait to travel
in the speed of light, they have stars to reach
like you; something to fawn upon.
nothing lasts, it comes and goes. but
in a way everything does last, like
how i love you;
a law of Anicca: Impermanence. a bridge
between Dukkha and Anatta. nothing lasts
because they rise and cease to
rise and cease again.
like an Ouroboros. an unstoppable circle.
nothing lasts. but nothing dies.

essentially,
that is
how i love you.

forever

you wish we can fly
and i tipped on my toes
but we see it's a lie
we don't know how to float

alas you and i
forget how to try
flap, flap, flap our wings
but pulled down by this abyss

sing a sad love lullaby
as we drop into this hole
our fingers intertwined
now we'll never let go

what ur looking for

my dear, it's simple.

as simple as life's
thousands of variables
reduced to just one equation
as clear as the
one truest truth
of all the things i offer
it's as beguiling,
as gut-wrenching
as conniving,
as bewitching

as love.

love stoned

ah, jadi kau sedang jatuh cinta
nyaman rasanya, bukan?

aku tahu, aku juga
sedang jatuh cinta

maka jika aku berbunga-bunga...
rangkaian itu untukmu,

tersenyumlah bersamaku

memento

when i die
remember i smiled
and laughed
with you, wreaths on our heads
keep in mind
in my subtle way
i loved
you and all your many ways

awan

awan pecah berbulir-bulir
dan kita berdansa di bawahnya
bersama hujan, bersama jutaan
jiwa yang terlantar kiranya
tapi kita tahu hujan,
dan yang memecah awan
tak ada 'terlantar' bagi kita:
kita di tengah hujan,
sedang jatuh cinta

Golconda

yours is a Golconda;
stunningly prepossessing
with the supposed shine of diamond mines
and it will heal.
but mine is evaporating
as we try here to say and speak
of nothingness and meaninglessness
of words we're both wanting to hear.

Telat.

maumu apa?
keriangan sudah lewat kini
kunjunganmu tak berarti

(un)secretive

i know you know
not a whit of anything i know,
only bits and bits and then pieces
stuck together in an enigma.
an unsolvable conundrum.
a secret that is mine, and i know it all alone
the chest is locked shut, tucked away into nowhere.
but like the chest i am
exuding tiny whispers in the air
alluding to pretended cluelessness.
you know as little as much.

hush hush

talk is cheap
so i won't say it to you
but the next time we take a picture
have a notice of what i'll sign for you

Go

i opened the door
and found a brick wall
a delusional galore
time halted, you stall

now i'll stop being naive
go on, get ready to start
it's time for you to leave
my head and my heart

Statis

soal cinta:
tidak ada yang berubah
masih diinginkan
masih dihindari

come together

we know what it's all about:
broken hearts all over the world
come, unite
let's be broken together
be beaten down together
let's all hold hands
take off your masks
frown that forced smile
altogether now,
cry.

Sumpah Sampah

hari ini kelabu
begitu warna langit menfatwa hati
fluktuasi rasa berhenti dan singgah
di tempat rendah yang paling bawah

tapi sedih itu indah
dan lebih indah jika aku sedih karenamu
berbohong mengatakan, "tidak apa-apa"
tersenyum mengobati luka dengan menusuk-nusuknya

kita berangkulan kemudian dalam hati
bersumpah tidak akan saling mengenang
sumpah kosong sumpah bohong
sumpah,

sampah

sekarang

sungguh jika bisa,
kedatanganku padamu adalah segera
kelahiranku bukanlah dari kenangan
atau sekedar inginmu akan harapan

tak bisakah aku dia yang belum bernama
lalu muncul dari tengah waktu
yang sekarang kau anggap nyaman
yang sekarang kau sebut sekarang

Revelation

this kind of suffocation is unfair
you, mesmerizing me with that stare
all the while I have to look at the ground
I fear my eyes will tell you how my heart pounds

this game is an elaborate one
it's so highly structured that i'm giving up
I can no longer play it incognito
and that is a truth that we both already know

i dream to peacefully exit with the rain
to weep into the midnight without feeling any pain
but no, there you are with a pretended unawareness
belittling me to an unbearable shame

Clarity

flower-like colorful dots in the sky
made the heart flutter
gone go the heart-shaped ice
away with the coming of a clearer picture

Air dan Kematian

Akan kucintai (tanah) air ini
Ketika engkau benar-benar mati
Ketika aku benar-benar mati

Ketika aku benar-benar mati

Confusion

it's the "sure. fine. whatever." you don't hear correctly
or at least disingenuously construe
where's your fine sense of imagination?
i can't believe you still have no clue.

Memento Mori

Pak, bapak lihat awan?
mereka bergulungan di atas kita
(aku menatap langit yang tak biru, tertutup putih seluruhnya)
(lelah mereka menbentuk bentuk, cukup 1 permadani besar di atas sana)

Pak, aku yakin mereka berhati
merasa sama sepertimu dan aku
(merasa waktu mendetak dan mendetiki hidupnya)
(merasa hancur luntur bertangisan berkabung dirundung duka)

tapi Pak, langit yang begitu sedih tak pernah nampak sebelumnya
adakah ia menemaniku perlahan kehilanganmu?
(apakah ia menemanimu perlahan kehilanganku?)
(apakah ia menemanimu menangisi matiku hari ini?)

Pak, begitu indah hari ini
(langit begitu sedih kita tatap berlinangan)

Limbung

mendadak aku limbung melihatnya malam ini

tapi aku hanya bisa pulang.

A Case of Obsession

as they held on to each other in the end
i felt a definite kind of grief
in my heart, in my mind -
an overall cliche
of not ever seeing them again,
before realizing
that it's in fact
my heart, my self,
that needs mending
and a certain hug.

save me.

Wangimu Seperti Hujan

Wangimu seperti hujan
yang turun hari minggu pukul 10 pagi
hujan yang kusuka, yang meski turun deras namun tetap lembut bersuara.
Wangimu wangi yang biasa kuhirup di teras depan rumah.
Wangi yang biasa aku cinta.

Wangimu seperti hujan
yang turun ketika hari justru terlihat terang
hujan yang kusuka, yang meski turun tiba-tiba namun kunikmati setiap tetesnya.
Wangimu wangi yang datang membawakan kenyamanan untukku saat suara hujan berpadu bersama lagu-lagu di dalam mobil yang melaju.
Wangi yang selalu aku cinta.

Lost Cause

the emotion against me is unrelenting
and this tireful fight is still.
but i'm failing to breathe
as i'm filled with exhaustion.
cause when you're playing it by heart,
there's that chance of a love you can never impart.