unremediable

tell me to keep a secret drawer
fill it with rocks and white and gray quills
but what kind of insurance do feathers offer?
i'm not looking to fly
you can see i'm already floating
do i need wings, still, and
will i find angels with them?
what about these rocks?
will they help me remember the ground,
the sand, the mud that came with each one?
i'm not looking forward to look back
memories are that
just that

and in your secret drawer i see
pencils and a book ready to be written full
but what kind of protection do empty pages hold?
everything is here,
already here within our days
don't you remember, and
don't you remember with your heart?
and why are those pencils short?
if you have spent them on love
letters, why have none come for me?
and why trick is a part of trickle
is still a wonder
i wonder

traumerei*

*by Schumann. i wrote this while listening to it
and you guys should read this, SLOWLY, with Traumerei playing on the background :)

meadow;
four shades of green
we are children
running
through young flowers bloom
no shoes, freedom
we laugh while tumbling
down, we're not falling

did we hold hands?

i
remember
we
spun
holding
hands

butterflies;
five of six we see
we are children
chasing
them away wishing to catch them
we will learn in a few years
we will regret some
and long to feel more

how do we stop?

i
hope
we
will
never
stop

count the clouds
one
two three
fourfiveseventen
and sunshine
the ground is warm
our backs say it is
soft with love

did you feel loved?

i
will
never
not
love
you

meadow;
here is not green
we are children
bright-eyed
stretching our time
springtime must never finish
hush, i hear
Traumerei is playing

are you listening?

i
won't
ever
want
to
leave

Kerlip

blue part by Runi
green part by me

adalah pendar tutur lagumu
yang kuikuti diam-diam
seperti kepik merah totol hitam
berhinggapan dari bunga melati
kuning labu dan matahari

adalah pendar tutur dongengmu
yang kukagumi diam-diam
seperti kunang-kunang kemerlip
mengedip genit memberi asa
pada malam berdegup resah

lihat, berkilauan air danau
tersiram bulan waktu malam
menari-nari gemintangan
mengikuti lagumu yang terdengar
jauh, jauh sampai hatiku berdebar

adalah itu dan semuanya
menggelembungi kau dan aku
terduduk manis terlibat embun pagi
kembali menanti kepik merah totol hitam
berhinggapan pada bunga melati

masked ball

undercover
fancy feathers
intoxicated faces
spirits in tall glasses

hujan dari lantai 42

payung
banyak payung
hujan dari lantai 42
menegangkan
kadang kau takut guntur begitu dekat
tapi payung
banyak payung-- menyenangkan.

Cerita Kanak-Kanak, Reuni

Tersembunyi di balik selimut
adalah celoteh-celoteh kita
ditemani lampu senter yang menyala
terang menyinari kenangan yang tak
seberapa penting namun berharga.
Umur berapa pesta ulang tahunmu hancur
berantakan karena gigimu tanggal tiba-tiba.
Bulan apa tahun berapa kita menyeberang
jalan hampir tertabrak mobil,
hendak mengambil bola.

tale telling

so you want to grow up, but what if i say no
couldn't we just stay here for a moment or so
let's have a childish saturday night
or friday, sunday, any day is fine
finger paint the walls, tell stories in the dark
pretend we're divers surrounded by sharks
fake a lemonade sale outside on the driveway
make believe we live in a castle far, far away
and envious kids will want to explore the chambers
they'll yell from outside saying our names and danger
so cover your ears hard. harder. try to ignore
cause the world is wicked, don't open the door

four words*

i still think that
you should have stayed
then we could have
walked through the park
just like how we
planned it when we
sat by the table
in a cafe somewhere
downtown near the square
we could have tried
crossing the broken bridges
leading to other lands
and get violets that
are not blue unlike
what we have heard
-- i know, i was
in shock like you
violets aren't just blue --
we could have built
a picnic that i
would have had prepared
your favorite, peanut butter
and strawberry jelly, mine
shoes are dumb, we
will go walk barefoot
and let wet grass
caress both our soles
and souls as we
start to hold hands
-- you would initiate it
and i would concur --
you should have stayed
i will love you





*per line.

Let Me Explain

cinta monyet

Aku harap kamu tau

pensil yang kuraut hingga tajam sebelum kau pinjam
hanya untuk kamu

roti bekal makan siang yang kusiapkan sendiri tadi pagi
hanya untuk kamu

cat kuku cantik yang tadi malam kukuas sampai sempurna
hanya untuk kamu

kedipan-kedipan kecil mataku ketika kamu menoleh ke belakang
hanya untuk kamu

hati yang barusan mulai berdebar kencang
hanya untuk kamu

kupu-kupu yang sibuk beterbangan dalam perutku
hanya untuk kamu

seemua itu dan lainnya untuk sampai kita tua, jelekk dan keriput
hanya untuk kamu

aku harap kamu tau

Chances

Talking in an old-fashioned manner
with you, with myself.
And hearts vapor
into suffocation.
Misfortune awaits.
With any luck, it'll pass.
But we both know,
we suck at gambling.

Here's to losing.

Ini.

pada hari-hari tertentu seperti waktu langit sedang cerah
saat awan-awan berwarna putih
atau ketika bunga-bunga kuning bermunculan
merayakan musim semi di sebuah padang rumput

pada hari-hari tertentu seperti waktu langit sedang cerah
dan dari kejauhan suara tawa anak-anak
kecil terbawa angin dari sebuah taman bermain,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan yang tercium adalah
wangi tanah yang tersiram air,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan yang kau lihat ketika
membuka jendela adalah sebuah pelangi,
waktu hujan selesai turun dan kau menengadah
menutup payungmu menikmati 1-2 sisa titik air,
waktu langit kembali cerah dan awan-awan
kembali berwarna putih dan bunga-bunga kuning yang tumbuh di padang rumput
belum kering benar,
dan pada hari-hari lainnya yang tidak seperti itu

waktu kamu, dan payungmu,
berjalan menikmati sore hari di depanku
aku selalu jalan sedikit lebih cepat
sebisa mungkin menyamai langkahmu

aku janji, suatu hari nanti, kamu akan berhenti menungguku sejenak
tapi sampai saat itu, aku akan selalu jalan sedikit lebih cepat

vlindert*

aku masih punya
burung bangau dari kertas, satu

kutemukan setelah lama,
kusimpan memang sudah lama,
di dompet tadi malam

kuambil dari sebuah meja di restoran,
aku duduk di sampingmu
di depanmu angsa juga dari kertas

dan yang aku ingat dari malam itu,
selain bangau dan angsa dari kertas,
betapa mudahnya duduk di sampingmu

melipat-lipat masa depan
seperti kertas melipat binatang
seperti bergandengan


*title is dutch.

mind love

what i really want is
to make you a cup of tea
that you will have one afternoon
with me, and a couple of cinnamon pastries
(because underneath your gallant pose
i know you love them sweets)
outside on the porch when we're 73
we'll see
the rest of our lives waiting to be
lived, the way it's been lived.
together.
..and in my little head
anything may be.

-

what is left of our love?
dying out of sorrow
all the while oblivious
about the last word it will speak
and it will speak of itself
before it crashes bleak
as we dance to one final ballad
and descend into you and i

monsternya menang

tepuk- tepuk bergembira
berlari-lari kita dari monster yang mendekati
awas, dia di belakangmu, katamu dan
aku tertawa terbahak-bahak mengindarinya

monster kelelahan, aku,
kamu, dan dia terduduk terengah-engah
capai, katamu dan
aku bilang aku juga

hai lihat layangan terbang
milik siapa benangnya
putus hingga melayang sampai jauh sampai
tiba dia di depanmu

akankah kau ambil, aku bertanya kau hanya
diam memandanginya
kuulang sekali lagi hingga
monster di belakang kita bergerak merebutnya

ah, kau diamkan terlalu lama, ujarku
sedikit kecewa tapi sambil tertawa sementara
kau diam tak berkata lalu menoleh
lekat ke arahku dan bertanya, mengapa

tak kuambil layangan itu

faithlessness

one meticulous affair
and what's done is done
a little bit of sorrow
far into my soul, it's gone


and here's to you,
a bitter shadow of doubt,
a hard question to answer in truth,
such cold, lonely sun

death

such brilliant eyes are there no more, they have
become dead. buried, depressed. left with
no air to live from.

saint of lost causes come save them.

comfortable

on some days where there are clouds
i look forward to nights with bright stars
a big moon, perfect and round
and flashing lights of passing planes

i expect my share of peace and quiet
that i've consciously created
and troubles and friends
are meticulous weaves i set aside

and so i am well and fine
and i'm comfortably looking for nothing

i am well and fine.

...

aku ingat kamu
bermain kartu membaca masa lalu
mencari ingatan tentang masa depan
membaca pikiran hanya dengan memandang
(aku ingat kamu)

how i love you ver 2.0

how i love you is odd.
like an African long for the rain but
fear a two day pour… and secretly he adores
the sweet scent of wet soil after.
like the Kuiper Belt – on the outside, but
with Pluto it grazes the galaxy… it needs a closer look
to comprehend.
how i love you is strange – as alien as what we call
faith: believing something
that is hard to, let alone can be seen,
but nothing proves otherwise so we stand proud.
also is strange, hearing Satie’s Gymnopedie in our heads, while
chasing monsters with butterfly nets in slow motion –
an esoteric thing, enjoyed by
those who anxiously wait to travel
in the speed of light, they have stars to reach
like you; something to fawn upon.
nothing lasts, it comes and goes. but
in a way everything does last, like
how i love you;
nothing lasts
because they rise and cease to
rise and cease again.
like the leaps and loops and drops
of a roller coaster that
takes you by surprise.
unpredictable, but expected
terrifying, but completely compelling.

essentially,
that is
how i love you.

jalan

hirupbuang. hirupbuang. tahan.
jalan pelan-pelan
nikmati detak jantungmu yang semakin berdebar
kau dengar? itu suara sepi memanggil
barangkali dari depan
atau dari balik punggungmu yang semakin mengecil

wajahmu mulai panas kini
matamu mulai gelap
meninggi mabuk kehilangan rasa
sesak berjalan tanpa udara
berjalan maju tak kembali
tanpa tengok tanpa maksud
untuk pernah berhenti

(semoga kau temukan
di ujung jalan yang sempit ini
ada tarikan nafas yang sempat berhenti)

broken mermaid 2.0

My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean
Stumbling on with exhaustion of being drenched
Silently lurking in despair, it waits
Filled with restlessness for suicidal air

It dreams about waltzing out of tempo into a lethargic dance
With pale fingers clutching on dead roses red
Insidious steps done, two feet alone
A make believe game, with no one to resonate

It smells and feels like the air of a coming storm
Perilous in vulnerability
Prepared to trample itself with violent frustration
Until nothing is heard, nothing is seen

But my soul has been seen cursed and confined to the depths of the heavy seas
What disruption it desires will not come true
My soul is lost, as I am lost
My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean

fear

I remember
the rush on my horrified feet
pedaling away from fear

I remember
the menacing footsteps against the tar
the sound of terror

I remember
the sinister stare over my shoulder
the eyes of the hunter

I remember
my five-year-old self escaping
my neighbor's dog

ziel

My soul moves like a broken mermaid in the ocean
dreams about waltzing out of tempo into a lethargic dance
smells and feels like the air of a coming storm
has been seen cursed and confined to the depths of the heavy seas





format taken from 'Poetry Everywhere' by Jack Collom and Sheryl Noethe.

scirocco

hampir-hampir lalu hari ini
hendak beranjak namun kemudian ada yang hinggap
adalah rupamu pada kenangan
sehalus angin semilir mengecup ramah dedaunan

entah
aku ingin berlama-lama di sini
sekedar menikmatimu yang tak benar-benar ada