Mengenai Perempatan

Hari sudah malam.
Dari tadi hanya 1-2 mobil melintas dan usahaku untuk mendapat uang belum menghasilkan apa-apa.

Di pojok sana kulihat adikku berbaring beralaskan selembar koran. Tertidur. Kelelahan karena sedari tadi menangis kelaparan. Usianya belum genap 4 tahun, tapi terpaksa kubawa dia ke perempatan jalan seperti ini. Terpaksa, karena aku lebih suka dirinya bersamaku daripada meminta-minta seperti anak-anak lain.

Sebuah mobil mercedez berhenti di lampu merah. Satu-satunya mobil yang ada di sini. Mungkin lebih baik aku mulai mengamen di kaca jendelanya. Tapi...itu berarti aku, dan adikku harus lebih lama lagi berada di jalanan.

...

Mungkin lebih baik kupecahkan kaca jendelanya.

Cinta. Nafsu. Buta.

"Kamu tahu? Aku cinta sekali kepada suamiku!"
"Oh ya? Kalau aku…aku tidak mengenal cinta."
"Mengapa begitu?"
"Perlukah aku jawab pertanyaan itu?"
"Tidak, tidak perlu. Beberapa pertanyaan memang tidak perlu dijawab dengan sebuah pernyataan."
"Ya. Tapi aku menikmati benar menjadi diriku selama ini. Aku masih muda, dan bebas."
"Ya...aku mengerti."
"Lalu, apa katamu? Kau cinta suamimu?"
"Ya."
"Dan dia mencintaimu?"
"Pasti. Dia selalu mengatakannya padaku."
"Lalu mengapa kau menelponku kemarin malam, memintaku untuk bertemu di sebuah hotel? Mengapa pagi ini kau di sini bersamaku, di bawah selimut hotel tanpa sehelai benang pun?"
"Entahlah. Mungkin cinta dan nafsu memang dua hal yang berbeda."

Honor Est...

"Ayolah, anakku…"
"Tapi ibu…aku takut."
"Takut? Mengapa? Lihatlah…kakak-kakakmu sudah mendahuluimu. Tidakkah kau ingin mengarungi ruang biru itu?"
"Aku dapat merasa nyaman diam di sini bersamamu."
"Tidakkah kau ingin merasakan nikmatnya melayang di sana?"
"Aku tidak ingin. Aku sungguh takut."
"Apalah yang engkau takutkan?"
"Segalanya. Mengapa tidak ada yang pasti di dunia ini? Di langit ini?"
"Apakah sepasang sayap yang tumbuh di pundakmu bukan hal yang pasti?"
"Aku sungguh menghormati keduanya. Namun ibu, honor est onus."
"Aku mencintaimu, anakku. Namun honor est praemium virtutis; kehormatan adalah anugerah utama."

Dan elang kecil itu pun akhirnya mulai mengepakkan sayap terbang menjauh dari ibunya.

A Verdict From The Hatchet

Slit. Don't slit.
Cut. Don't cut.
Eenie. Meenie. Miney. Moe.

Wonder where the names came from. Have you ever wondered?
Those four names, of which 7 syllables became the most important counts we use to decide things.

Important. Unimportant.
Yes. No.
Cut. Don't cut.

My eyes are starting to water. I can't think. I'm devastated from everything. The sight of a knife in my hands. The water running, filling up the sink. And the drowning feeling inside my chest.

I watched over as the pot sounded its shrill.

I cried. I cried. I cried.
But I chopped the onion, anyway.

From Love, the Sun

"They say the sun was resurrected by the Mayan or Incan Gods. I don't exactly know."
"Why?"
"The Gods were trying to save mankind and the world from the end."
"Oh. I see."
"Yeah. The Gods killed themselves and from their blood, came a new sun."
"They sacrificed themselves?"
"Yes. Ironic isn't it? Here we are, staring at the same crimson sky colored by the same sunset the Gods created by sacrificing themselves…While I've always doubted The Powers That Be."
"Amor mundum sol. Who knew they loved us so much."

We stared at the sun lovingly...although I loved you more.

The Art of Moving On

"Don't look back...move on."
That's what my friends said when I broke up with my selfish ex who found out I was sleeping with someone else. My parents too, when I didn't get the scholarship. Only they didn't know that I was high on crack the night before the test.

I never listen, though. But now I know it's time for me to try.

I turn the wheel left…
To my parents house, pronto.

SCREEECH…

The man with the motorcycle fell, unconscious…
There's blood all over his face.
I'm to blame.

Stepping on the gas,
I'm moving on.

Setan Terungkap…Ketika Cinta Itu Terlalu Kuat.

Dua minggu lalu kuterima sebuah surat pendek darimu yang menjadi awal dari akhir yang kukira akan indah.
Di dalamnya kau nyatakan cinta, mesti aku belum pernah melihatmu walaupun sekali. Di dalamnya kau nyatakan cinta dengan wacana indah, seindah-indahnya indah.
Akupun luluh.

Minggu lalu suratmu datang kembali dan memikatku. Aku jatuh cinta dan mendamba untuk bertemu.

Lalu bertemulah kita.
"Aku ingin memilikimu," katamu, dan akupun juga.
Namun aku berpunya hingga kukatakan, "tidak."
Sayangnya, engkau mendendam dan berhasrat untuk memilikiku sendiri.

"Kau hanya untukku dan bukan yang lain."
Dengan kalimat itu, kau tusuk jantungku dengan sebilah pisau.

Atas nama cinta, Setan membunuhku.

Nemo

Di mana dia?
Aku gelisah. Gundah.
Aku butuh dia, sekarang.
Dia adalah segalanya bagiku, dan tanpanya aku tak bisa berbuat apa-apa.

Di mana dia?
Kita sudah janjian dan sudah 15 menit berlalu.
Tak biasanya dia terlambat.

Hasrat dan gairahku tak tertahan.
Mataku serasa berkunang-kunang melihat barang-barang di sekitarku.
Hatiku berdebar-debar karena tak kuasa menahan diri.
Tuhan…aku tak sabar lagi.

"Sayang! Lama banget sih? Aku udah nunggu dari tadi di sini. Aku kira ada apa-apa."
"Aduh..tenang dong, say. Aku nggak kenapa-kenapa kok. Kamu khawatir banget ya?"
"Bukan itu. Aku beli tiga tas, dua pasang baju, sama rok. Mana kartu kredit kamu?!"

How Could He Not Be In Love?

It'll be great when he comes home. I can't wait to see him.

I'm driving...remembering what it was like a year ago.
He was leaving; I couldn't face him.
I was in love and pretty sure he was too, with me.
How could he be not?

The airport; and my mind wander. I'm at the same place he kissed me saying goodbye. And I'm sure he still loves me the same.

"Stella!"
"God, how I miss you!"
"I have surprise for you."
The world is in slow motion as he holds my hands.

"I got engaged."
The revolving finally stops.

Choices, choices

The stars tonight look enchanting.
So charming, I decide to get out of my apartment and head to the emergency exit and climbed up.

My head's been heavy for weeks.
Months.
Years.
How many days? I've lost count.

The roof.
The air is fresh; the city lights are reflecting the stars in colors…
The ledge is enticing, so very enticing.
Confusingly luring.

It's what you get from a depression for nothing: a feeling of hating life and loving death but fearing it at the same time.

[1, 2, step...]
I chose my worst.

And oh, how lovely are the stars.

Read: sdroW eht dnoyeB

"Mana cewek loe?"
!nalais kewec rasaD

"Nggak tau..gimana ya? Gue udah telpon dari tadi, ga bisa-bisa. Apa dia cemburu sama kita lagi ya?"

"Nggak bisa gitu dong. Dia kan harusnya ngerti! Mana malam ini elo mo ngelamar pula!"
!ramal ole gnay eug aynsuraH...nalaiS

"Ya udah, deh. Temenin gue!"

"Kemana? Berdua aja?"
!uoy evol I uoy evol I uoy evol I

"Ke rumahnya."

"Ngapain? Palingan nggak di rumah."
.hamur id ada nignum kaggN

"...Takut dia marah. Pake mobil lo aja ya? Mobil gue baru dicuci."

"Ya udah. Jangan buka-buka bagasi gue. Berantakan."
.eol kewec ada aynmelad iD. eug isagab akub-akub nagnaJ.

Apathy for the Chariot of Loops and Sudden Drops

With great amount of hesitation, I walked ahead of my kids.
Worried, filled with anxiety, I accelerate my steps twice faster towards the chariot of death that's been haunting me for all my life, and I'm 43 years old now.

I stopped.

Now all I have to do is wait as I am closer and closer to the terror. Of countless rushes of blood, of hot wind blowing to your face, of gravity so strong you fell ill with every move.

I swear that THIS is closest to HELL...

...

Unwillingly, after all the reluctance...
I stepped into the rollercoaster.

Pulang

Tiga hari sebelum 2004
"Katanya, anak-anak Yogya mau mudik hari ini ya? Elo ikutan?"
"Enggak. Pas tahun baru aja."
"Kenapa?"
"Biar berkesan, dong."
"Enakan sebelum tahun baru elo udah sampe Yogya, Don. Di kosan kan kosong."
"Gue pengen banget pulangnya pas tahun baru. Malah udah dapet tiket kereta terakhir tanggal 31."
"Anak aneh! Hehueheuhu."
"Sialan! Haehaehaehue."

Jakarta, 01 Januari 2004, 01.47 dini hari.
Kriiing!
"Halo?"
"Met tahun baru, Pram."
"Hai, Wi! Met tahun baru juga. Kenapa? Kok awal tahun udah lesu?
"Pram…jangan kaget ya. Jam 10 tadi, Doni meninggal ketabrak kereta."


Did you know back then you WERE going 'home'?

Maybe someday, a Rainbow for You

I've watched him from afar for about two years now.
Admire his every smile and even the twinkles on the corners of his eyes when he laughs.

I’m in love with him, you see.

He would be perfect with me but nobody seems to see it...

Updating myself with his life, I've been pushed around, shoved down, and battered to pieces every time a rumor goes by.

I wait.

And still I wait.

Today I walked up.
"Hi."

He said, "I love you."
He had loved me, watched me from afar for 3 years.
For that, I love him more.

Wish You Did It to Me, First

The cemetery's packed with people.

Look...you had so many friends. they're all here because of you. Back then, you were always worried no one will cry at your burial. But they're all sobbing now. Mom. Dad. The ones you thought left you when they found out you were shooting heroin up your eyeballs.

Sad how you die just to know these things.

...

How come you die first...
when the load injected to you for the first time,
was done by me...

while you were sleeping?

*

Anyway, I’m waiting for my turn now...

Wish you did it to me, first.

Think It Over and Over, Again

She fits squares into circles, and that's what she does best.
But now, she couldn't deal with theories.
Facts.

So the world is round?
But why aren't there no round tv screens?
And why are doors all squared?

Why are girls girls, why are boys boys? Aren’t people DIFFERENT?

and they say,
why can't I...
understand?

*

TV announcer. morning after:
this just in. a 14 year-old boy was found dead in his room, in a boarding school west of London. It is assumed the suicide boy was frustrated because nobody understood he wanted to be someone else.

A girl.

She Really Does Love Her Son

"It's freezing out there!"
"It's alright. I'm waiting for someone."
"Who?"
"My son. Tall, brown eyes and hair..?"
"No, sorry. How long have you been waiting?"
"Two years. I've been waiting 2 years now."
"And he said he was gonna meet you here?"
"I'm not sure. he said, 'i'll get you, bitch!' right after i stabbed him, right after he set his dad on fire."
"Uhm.. right. And you're waiting for...?"
"I'm waiting for him to kill me for stabbing him."

She looked at me with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Not a problem."

...

She didn't even recognized me.
That bitch!

Happy Thanksgiving

The weekend began with a longing.
A man walked down the street as I stared out the peeping hole on my door. An orange wooden door, which I am very keen of.

*ding*
The oven is calling.

I cooked for you. For your admiration and adorement.

I peeped.

Still no you.

Minutes passed.

I peeped again. You came running from the corner. I opened the door.

"Hi there, neighbor. Mmm..smells good! You cooked?"

I nodded, smiled.

"Well, Happy Thanksgiving! I gotta run along now. My wife is waiting for me."

I nodded again.

...

Someday I'm gonna kill your wife.